FATE OF THE WILDEBEEST- RANT 11-13-15

Good Morning fellow WILDEBEESTS. 

As the rain begins this morning, I thought I'd regale you with my RANT talent..(OK, let me know when you're done laughing)

At what point in our WORLD DOMINATING HUMAN INFESTATION of this planet did we start to model our lives on those of the FOLLOW THE LEADER, CLIFF JUMPING WILDEBEEST?

How did we go from INTELLIGENT, PROBLEM SOLVING, INNOVATING MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE to MIND-NUMBED, BABBLING, DROOLING PUPPETS, getting tangled in our own strings? When did we become so dependent on the BRAIN CELL SUCKING approval of our fellow WILDEBEESTS? When did we become so afraid that not following the HERD would make us SOCIAL OUTCASTS, that we would follow them into any INTELLIGENCE DRAINING VORTEX presented.

To get a sense of what I mean just envision the "HOMELESS VILLIAGES" that develop in front of an Apple store, when a new iProduct is released, eventhough that we know in a year it will be obsolete! Then there is the TRAMPLING and DEATHS of our fellow WILDEBEESTS at BLACK FRIDAYsales accross the country, just to aquire the LATEST TOY for little Amy or Johnny, when we know DAMN WELL they won't even play with it 3 months down the road.

And then in true TONGUE and TAIL WAGGING fashion, we rush to the store to buy the latest FASHION TRENDS created by the other WILDEBEESTS. We feed on being HUMAN MANIKINS, strutting proudly while displaying the MANUFACTURERS LOGO of an OVERPRICED, SWEAT SHOP produced item of POOR QUALITY. Does it strike anyone else as odd that we PAY to advertise a MANUFACTURERS PRODUCT?

Then while were STRUTTING around we jump on SOCIAL MEDIA because we just spent money for an overpriced SMART PHONE or TABLET. We retweet or share to SHOW OUTRAGE and SOLIDARITY for every SOCIAL CAUSE that our friends SPOUT, though we know nothing about them, because we do no research. But our WILDEBEEST friends say it so, so it must be true.

Then to continue our HERD FOLLOWING, we get OFFENDED when someone with common sense DOESN'T AGREE with, or CRITICIZES our DESIGNER CLOTHES WEARING, SMART PHONE CARRYING, EARBUD STUFFING asses for our poor behaviour. 

Then we go home after a long day of trying to  IMPRESS the other WIDEBEESTS and turn on our MEGA-TV's (I must admit I have one:). We are innundated with 20 minutes of commercials during every 1 hour show, trying to show us how we must need ADULT DIAPERS, TEETH WHITENERS, FEMINE HYGIENE PRODUCTS and my favorite; BIOLOGICS (medicines) for ailments you didn't even know you had (but hell you can look it up on WEB MD). Or, you can watch QVC selling you items you'll never use, but hell the other WILDEBEESTS have one! Maybe you'll enroll in one of the WEIGHT LOSS SCAMS that don't really work. The best part is that all these products are "HAWKED" by people who need them the least, but damn, they know what's best for the other WLDEBEESTS right?

Well FELLOW WILDEBEESTS, I could go on and on, but the fun must end somewhere. I hope I've given you a accurate analogy of our resemblence to the WILDEBEEST.  Time to break off from the pack or...wait is that a CLIFF up there? 

Watch that last step, it's a LULU! Hey, is that your TAIL WAGGING in my face?

                                                    Gotta run, time to feed the herd.

                                                                      I'M DONE!

THE CLOCK IS TICKING- RANT FOR 10-2-15

Here is today's RANT.I am going to start it with a warning and disclaimer.

This RANT is not going to be funny, whimsical, or a feel good.. Most likely I may anger some. If so, TOUGH! Get a crying towel and call somebody who cares and follow someone else.

Just for the record I AM TOTALLY AGAINST TAKING WEAPONS FROM LAW ABIDING CITIZENS, because unless you disarm the criminals it makes no sense. With that said...

As I sit here ONCE AGAIN listening to reports of yet another MASS SHOOTING, my heart feels as heavy as LEAD. I am APPALLED, FURIOUS, and FEELING HELPLESS as we observe what has become an all to familiar scene. Yet another instance of TERROR and DEATH perpertrated by a MURDERER that has resulted in the DEATHS of innocent people and the ANGUISH of their family and friends, on one of our college campuses.

ONCE AGAIN we listen to the OBLIGATORY expressions of ANGER and SORROW as well as the self-serving PONTIFICATION of our incompetent elected officials, who do nothing but POINT FINGERS of BLAME at THEIR OPPONENTS.

Well I for one, am TIRED of it. It's time to STOP POINTING FINGERS and work together to find a SOLUTION. It's time for these OFFICALS to CLOSE their collective INSINCERE, PLATITUDE SPOUTING mouths and DO SOMETHING! Listening to their INTELLIGENCE INSULTING explantions has become LAUGHABLE!

These SO-CALLED PUBLIC SERVANTS, know the where the problems and solutions lie.

We all know the STUMBLING BLOCKS to meanigful solutions are..(wait for the moment of enlightenment) GUN LOBBIES and MONEY. (are you as shocked as me?)

The GUN LOBBYISTS have there hand so far up our LEGISLATORS butts, that their fingers CONTROL THEIR LIPS. Add to this their GENEROUS CONTRIBUTIONS and the result is OBVIOUS.

These SO-CALLED GUARDIANS of the PUBLIC TRUST, need to read the 2nd amendment and understand it, not let the GUN LOBBIES INTERPRET it for them! No where does it state we can run unfettered through the streets with assault rifles. It is also tiring to hear the phrase "GOD GIVEN RIGHT" I challenge any of these so called SPINNERS of TRUTH to show me where in the Bible it says "AND LET THEM HAVE AK'S AND AR'S". It's pure and simply a "MAN GIVEN RIGHT"

Once again I remind you, I am AGAINST taking guns from LAW ABIDING CITIZENS, but as a VietNam Vet and someone who has seen the effects of an assualt rifle on the HUMAN BODY, I must say the CLOCK is TICKING, something has to be done.

What I am against is giving every CRIMINAL, FANATIC, and ZEALOT with a CAUSE free access to weapons.I find it sadly ODD that the need for IDs and CHECKS are loudly voiced to control VOTING and other BASIC RIGHTS, but not to protect the safety of our CHILDREN and SOCIETY. Could it be that the GUN RIGHTS ADVOCATES that so ADAMANTLY OPPOSE background checks COULDN'T PASS one themselves? (food for thought)

The phrase that GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE is ACCURATE. People are KILLED by UNIDENTIFIED CRIMINALS, LUNATICS ZEALOTS and FANATICS and most of all APATHY. It's only COMMON SENSE to make it as difficult as possible for these PEOPLE to get weapons.

Our PUBLIC SERVANTS should be ASHAMED! It's time to take the PUPPET MASTERS hand out of your ASSES and DO WHAT'S RIGHT! The CLOCK IS TICKNG for a meaningful SOLUTION.

I'm sure I angered someone enough that they have put their CAMO'S on and are cleaning their UZI.

                                                                         I'm Done

"ANOTHER MUTANT ALIEN MUSHROOM" RANT FOR 9-24-15

Good Morning Puny Earthlings, (It will become apparent why I uses that term)

In 2011 I RANTED about a disturbing obscene "PLANT" that appeared on my lawn. This ALIEN MONSTROSITY  had been obviously sent here to spy on us, and chose it's form to match how we describe each other. It left as mysteriously as it appeared. I believe it must have gathered the necessary information. Below is my SURVEILLANCE photo

Well, a new threat has appeared. This one looks more like a MUSHROOM, but I'm not buying it.  This is either the 2nd wave of an ALIEN INVASION or...It's part of a SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT designed to turn us all in MUSH MINDED ZOMBIES! Oh sorry, the GOVERNMENT has already done that. It LANDED almost in the same spot as the 2011 INCIDENT....Hmmm curious.

What does this solitary CREATURE want, what is it's DEVILISH purpose. Is it here to enslave our race, one MUSHROOM BURGER at a time? Will it top our STEAKS and INFILTRATE our SAUCES and GRAVIES, and (chills) HOW WOULD WE KNOW? The plot is too HORRIFYING to think about. As I watch I think I see MOVEMENT. I am right. IT'S OPENING!
I am frozen what should I do?? Do I call the EPA, the POLICE or...wait, I think I just saw a BLACK SUV with a RADAR disc on the top, and was that a guy in a HAZMAT SUIT??

         My bad, just a chef looking for TOPPINGS. The hat confused me. Well, time to MOW, but I would be cautious the next time you buy FRESH MUSHROOMS at the store


                                                                        I'M DONE!

"THE PSYCHOTIC GERBIL" RANT FOR 9-15-2015

Good Morning All, (I think)

I am a little wary this morning. I was watching one of those Paranormal shows last night (to my chagrin, alone) and naturally that led to dark night of nightmares. My INSIDIOUS BRAIN decided to give the DEMONS some exercise. Starting with a period earlier in my life when my little DEVILS ANGELS were younger. In their ANGELIC DEMONIC  way they decided to show their love by giving me a present. (AWWHH) I can't remember what the occasion was, (I probably blocked it out due to the trauma.)

The present, an innocuous cuddly looking creature called a GERBIL. A cute little thing with white fur and brown spots and a TWITCHING NOSE common to the RODENT species. How thoughtful, I mused.

Well it wasn't long before I found that this PSYCHOTIC CREATURE was a DENIZEN FROM THE UNDERWORLD, misguidedly REINCARNATED in the body of this THOUGHTFUL PRESENT. (I know they planned this.)

I should have known something was wrong when the first thing the INSANE CREATURE did was LUNGE at the glass of it's home when it saw me, and further RED FLAGS should have GONE UP when this MENTALLY DISTURBED FUR BALL thought my finger was dinner when I tried to feed it. But being the DENSE parent I was, I was just touched that my kids had bought me a PRESENT.
I didn't realize at the time it was a CONSPIRATORIAL PLOT to get me. (time to start looking over my shoulder).

As the days went on it became a jousting match to try and feed this FAUSTIAN PET while keeping my FINGERS INTACT. It became clear to me that my children had helped this POSSESSED RAT escape from a pet MENTAL WARD or CONJURED it up at a SATANIC RITUAL.

Now, I would NEVER ADVOCATE HARMING ANY CREATURE, but as my FINGERS were becoming DOTTED with BITE MARKS, I must admit, I started to plot... After all could this SPAWN OF THE DEPTHS have RABIES????

I became a CRAZED MAN running WHAT IF scenarios through my head, all the while aware the BLOOD THIRSTY DEMON watched me, obviously  PLANNING IT'S ESCAPE. But, how could I explain to my children who had so THOUGHTFULLY given me a present, if the SOULLESS CREATURE suddenly disappeared? Maybe I could say it went to VISIT FAMILY..hhmmm

Well, the solution was soon at hand. I awoke one morning DREADING the feeding ORDEAL, only to find the MANIACAL CREATURE motionless, legs POINTED STIFFLY towards the ceiling...

And for a moment..Oh HELL NO, I didn't feel bad at all, the NASTY RAT was gone! And the best part, I didn't have to DO IT! (I think it was suicide). Let's Party.

                                                                      I'M DONE!
                                                                     (and so is he)

MORON TOP 10 LIST RANT FOR 9-9-15

Good Morning Humans,

What a beautiful inspiring morning! (ok, I'm over it :)

Today's MAGNIFICENT INSIGHT is a MORON TOP 10 LIST. This list is in no particular order (you may have one of your own) but it is amusing none the less. I am sure some of you may identify with it, but your secret is safe with me..Well, maybe. I am going to do it in reverse order in true LETTERMAN fashion. Are you ready?? Are you sure?? Ok, read'em and weep.

YOU MAY BE A MORON IF...

10. If you believe TRICKLE DOWN economics stimulates the economy..(the term "trickle down" is telling.)

09. If you think CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE..(do you think Pet Rocks                            are sentient beings?) 

08. If you believe POLITICAL CORRECTNESS promotes solidarity...(I think I found a buyer for my swampland.)

07. If you believe everything you read on the INTERNET...(Snow White was real)

06. If you believe VOTER FRAUD is or was RAMPANT...(do you all have your ID???)

05. If you believe CLIMATE CHANGE is a fairy tale...(the 7 dwarfs are your neighbors)

04. If you believe the ACA is socialism....(be suspicious the poison apple may be in your fruit bowl)

03. If you believe BEARING ARMS is a "GOD GIVEN" right...(please show me the bible passage or better yet, the constitutional amendment that GOD signed.)

02. If you think DENALI means black power..( Let's try "The High One")

01. If you believe a 3 TIMES MARRIED County Clerk in Kentucky really believes in the sanctity of marriage.... (Can you say "Seperation of Church and State", ooohh there is that pesky constitution again.)

Ok sheeple let me see if I can clarify what I'm saying here. These are all "OPINIONS" and more disturbing, "BELIEFS" that I see posted on SOCIAL MEDIA. It is once again concerning that we forward, repost and spout things that we see without verifying. ARE WE ALL REALLY THIS STUPID?? Are our brains so addled by the influx of information that we follow every RIDICULOUS COMMENT and OPINION as though it were an edict from above?

When did we stop thinking for ourselves, or is it just easier to let someone else do the thinking for us..and..

Oh wait, Sorry I need to respond to this text. Talk to you later...

I'M DONE!

ANIMAL ROYALTY????? RANT FOR 9-8-2015

Well, good morning all :). I am sure you just couldn't wait for my latest installment. (Hey, wake up.) I am sure I will get some finger wagging and SCOWLS over this Rant.

So let me pose this question? When did we bestow ROYAL LINEAGE on, and begin WORSHIPING our pets?? (Yes I said PETS!) I saw a news segment today highlighting PET (there's that word again) FASHION. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Look, please don't misunderstand me, I love animals, but I am not ready to elevate them to the status reserved for my human children, which required CONCEIVING and BIRTHING.(although there have been times I thought of demoting my children.) I have an issue with PUTTING A KNIT SWEATER on my dog. (If I currently had one) I'm sure that my last dog (a very muscular and virile looking animal) would have rather frozen and wished for poseable  thumbs in an effort to END HIMSELF, rather that be seen in a knitted sweater. Add to this the HUMAN EQUAL cost of healthcare and GOURMET food and they are more expensive than raising a child.

What has caused us to lose our senses regarding these MANIPULATIVE, FUR BARING, FOUR LEGGED, SLOBBERING, FURNITURE DESTROYING creatures? I became aware of a report, (which confirmed what I already knew) that cats don't really form an attachment to their owners. BIG SURPRISE! These ALOOF and CONCEITED creatures, which appear to have no redeeming value other than to catch mice, seem to do nothing but look at us in DISDAIN and use our furniture as SCRATCHING POSTS! Some would argue that they give us love. Well, REALITY CHECK, dogs obviously do, (bless there little hearts for earning their keep.) but cats, NOT SO MUCH! We spend thousands of dollars on FANCY BEDS, coming home with the latest FANCY TOYS and even take them to PET SPA'S to keep these  REINCARNATIONS of the PHARAOHS OF EGYPT stress free, all the while telling our children we can't afford it WHEN THEY MAKE A REQUEST...tsk,tsk

I SMH when I see 24 hour news coverage and MASS PROTESTS of a lion being killed (which was shameless)  and MINIMAL coverage of human tragedy. .

It amuses me when PET PARENTS (what a term) FAWN OVER and PROUDLY DISCUSS their PET CHILD'S (giggle) perceived accomplishments, while gently brushing their fur. It sometimes takes me awhile to realize they are discussing a PET. (yes I said it again). I sometimes wonder where it all will end. There is something inherently wrong when we spend more time, money and affection on our pets than on people. After all they are just ANIMALS! Deserving of proper care and affection, but not WORSHIP.

Disclaimer; No animals were harmed or eaten while writing this Rant....BURP, Sorry

Well, got to run, I don't think my goldfish flushed completely.



                                                            I'M DONE

.

What the HELL is a BRONY?? Rant for 8-13-15

Hell, I don't even know how to start this Rant. It's going to be difficult to type between chills. This subject really creeps me out! I've thought about this for days before deciding on this Rant.

BRONIES!!!!  What is a Brony you may ask, well, let me tell you. According to the URBAN DICTIONARY and WIKIPEDIA, a BRONY IS; "A name typically given to the MALE VIEWERS/FANS of the my LITTLE PONY franchise. These supposed MALE (I have significant doubts) do not give in to the hype that MALES aren't allowed to enjoy things that are intended for females." I would agree with the premise in some instances, but not this one.

Can you get more creepy than this. Scientists need to check their lab, because their EXPERIMENT IS MISSING AND MULTIPLYING! The more disturbing part is that they have conventions for these (chuckle) FANS. Oh it gets better. These GENETIC MISFITS even dress as their favorite MY LITTLE PONY! REALLY! OK, maybe I am overreacting, but I have this vision of these failed GENETIC EXPERIMENTS sitting in a playroom with some little girl, playing with a LITTLE PONY set. (SHUDDER) If it wasn't so creepy I would laugh.

Can you imagine the conversation at the office, Hey JOE want to go for a drink? Sorry Ray, I promised my daughter we would dress as my LITTLE PONIES and run around the playroom. Better yet, how about attending CAREER DAY at your daughters school dressed as a LITTLE PONY character? (YOUR FAVORITE, OF COURSE). 

For some reason I just can't wrap my LITTLE GRAY CELLS around this. Look guys, if you are 30 YEARS OLD and are DRESSING AS A MY LITTLE PONY character, then you have issues. You are even CREEPIER than the FURRIES!  (that's a whole other Rant)

I know my OLD GUY PERSONA is showing, but this makes me look over my shoulder. I mean do these guys masturbate to PONY PORN??

I really don't care if you are a fan of the show, but you must admit becoming a CREEPIER version of the CHARACTER makes  everyone uncomfortable. If you want to be treated NORMALLY, stop making sure that everyone knows your BRONY at all times. 

You really can't make this stuff up. Oh, by the way, I have a MY LITTLE PONIES Corral for sale. Interested? AND stop getting HOOF PRINTS on my carpet, Geezz

                                                                           I'M DONE!

OFFENDED ??? RANT 7-21-15

GOOD MORNING SHEEP!

If you are reading this you are either Too Fat, Too Skinny, Too Tall, To Short, Too Pretty, Too Ugly, A Crazy Christian, A Damn Jew, A Suspicious Looking Muslim, or a Snake Charming Evangelist, possibly even a Bible Hating Atheist! Or maybe you are an Ultra Right Wing Crazy, or a Country Hating Liberal. You may be an Old Hippie, a Confederate Flag Raising Redneck, or even a Blood Sucking Carpetbagger. Hell you may be a God's Law Breaking Gay or EVEN WORSE, a (dare I say it) Transgender! Well if I haven't offended you yet it's only because I don't have time to list all the outrageous categories. And I won't even get into race.

In case you haven't gotten the theme of this, it's the ridiculousness of POLITICAL ASS KISSING! (You notice I don't call it "CORRECTNESS", because it isn't) I am so tired of everyday hearing about some other STUPID ITEM that offends someone. I mean REALLY, do you believe that taking down the CONFEDERATE FLAG will stop RACISM??? (Are those fairies flying around your pudding brain?) RACISM will only end when we teach our children from the day of birth that it's wrong.( Just my addle brained opinion)

Let me tell you the latest item that inspired this RANT! You are going to love this! (but if you agree with it, check to see if you can see through your skin.) A major retailer is offering a WOMEN'S T-SHIRT with a LOGO that just says "TROPHY", THAT'S IT!! That's the extent of it. These TRANSPARENT SKINNED, LOW SELF-ESTEEMED WHINERS believe it is sexist! At first I thought this was a joke, but when I realized it was seriously being presented by the MEDIA, I WAS OFFENDED! These NOSE IN OUR BUSINESS SOCIAL SCRUBS need to mind their own business. STOP PUSHING YOUR INSANE AGENDA'S on us. You either NEED TO STOP SUCKING YOUR THUMBS AND GROW UP, or crawl back into your UNDERGROUND BURROWS! This is why our kids are growing up as a BUNCH of SELF ENTITLED COMPLAINERS (This is a general statement and obviously doesn't apply to our fantastic off-spring)

When I researched this, I found that these shirts have been offered for BOTH SEXES by many retailers for years! Hell if my wife gave me a t-shirt that say's TROPHY HUSBAND I would wear it proudly.I believe that most of the people complaining are probably TROPHY FRUSTRATED and jealous. (Again, just my opinion, but as usual it's right. Just ask me. )

I could go one about this, but I believe the more we cave into this, the worse it becomes. The more we point out differences the more of an issue we make of them. IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO STOP THE INSANITY! If something offends you, CHANGE THE CHANNEL, CLOSE THE DOOR, GET OFF FACEBOOK and OH YEA, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Oh, one more thing, YOUR HAIR COLOR REALLY OFFENDS ME! Just sayin....

(Was this a Rant or an Editorial? Hhmm)

I'M DONE

"EXODUS OF THE ANTS" 6-03-2015

Good Morning All, Oh wait, I have to brush some ants of my monitor....Ok that's better.

I am sure that all of you had at one time a small ant problem...A few little annoying GREASE EATERS, that appear after a party, where Uncle Aloysius and Aunt Gertrude spilled ice tea and crab dip. You may also find them on the wrappers that the grandkids threw behind the couch to avoid being caught sneaking candy. SIGH. But I ramble, let's get back on track.

For the last few years we've had what I consider a slight ant problem, although my wife may disagree. Having a house that borders a large open area, I felt that some minor insect problems were to be expected. (Although I have learned that the "FIELD ANTS" are not the source of our problem.)

Well this year the LITTLE ANNOYING NOMADS have taken their INTRUSION to a whole new level! This little SCURRYING ARMY now resembles the people of Israel being banished from Egypt. Could the terrible TERMITE ARMY be in HOT PURSUIT??? Go little guys go, be free!

Then I remembered this is my kitchen!  The invasion began as most do, with a show of massive numbers. At first there were the UNOBTRUSIVE SCOUTS, darting across counters and cabinets with their little antenna moving back and forth mapping the route and hunting for food. (Hey, I think they just carried off the can opener!)Then came the WORKERS, marching their way across the kitchen floor, their job to hunt and gather the food and materials the army would need. (After all an army marches on it's stomach) And all of them being led by the EVIL INSIDIOUS UNSEEN QUEEN. Before long, they were everywhere, mapping their territory and setting their perimeter. It did not take long to establish TRADE ROUTES, The main route resembling a DESERT CARAVAN, stretched from the patio door to the kitchen island. An EMPIRE which was as impressive as the ROMANS began to emerge. It soon became clear we were OUTNUMBERED and soon to be OVERWHELMED! I must admit some panic set in and I started SPRAYING everything we had at them, WINDEX, 409, and some things I didn't even recognize. Hell, I even SPRINKLED CINNAMON! (Which helped, by the way.)

Finally, my senses returned, and the panic subsided. I realized I needed MERCENARIES. I needed  PROFESSIONALS who could match these invaders in FEROCITY and CUNNING, so the search began... and so did the dissertations of the pest control companies! This was like a SECOND INVASION.

After listening to numerous companies making their pitch, which frankly resembled a general mapping a battle plan, they started explaining where ants come from, (Their mommies I would have guessed, wouldn't you?) what they eat, the psychology of what drives them, etc, etc, etc, I became a little distracted. Hell, I don't want to date them, I could care less about their mating habits, eating habits, or travel plans! I JUST WANT THEM OBLITERATED!

Well this morning at 7:40 am, (Time agreed upon was 8-10, I hate rushing to put my pants on) help arrived. When I answered the door there he was, the MERCENARY of my choice, decked out in FULL BATTLE GEAR, Like a scene from GHOSTBUSTERS! He started to explain the battle plan and the psychology, but I was having none of it. Blah, blah, blah, just get to it man! SEEK and DESTROY! CONQUER THE EMPIRE, CAPTURE THE QUEEN, We need to be done before WHEELER DEALERS comes on Velocity!

Well, it took about an hour for this BATTLE HARDENED VETERAN to complete his MISSION and we won't know how effective his PLAN was for a few days, but for now I feel back in control of my castle. Now I can relax, but can you ???? Hhhmmm

 WAIT,  DAMN WAS THAT AN ANT ON MY NECK!!

I'M DONE

THE "DEVIL'S MACHINE" RANT 5-25-15

Well first let me say Happy Memorial Day! I hope everyone took a moment to remember all of of the veterans that have served and sacrificed as well as those who are currently serving our country in defense of our freedom.

Soooo, This morning I woke up and decided I was going to make breakfast for my amazing wife. After all she's been so great to me and, been especially caring and attentive over the last few weeks. (hhmm, maybe I should be concerned.)

Anyway, I would normally make her one of her favorites, Sausage gravy and biscuits (which are amazing), but this morning I decided to make her waffles, after all they are quick, easy and I get a chance to try out our new waffle maker. I mean how hard could it be. I'm a grown man and it's just making a little batter and throwing it in the machine. A piece of cake, so to speak. WELL as John Pinette used to say, OH NAY, NAY! I found that this waffle maker is the MACHINE FROM HELL and adjusting the batter mix from a pacake to a waffle mix is DEVIL'S POWDER.!!!

I proceeded to mix the DEVIL'S POWDER (although I didn't know it was that at the time!) and put it in SATAN'S APPLIANCE. I followed all the operating instructions to the letter, but I must admit a RED FLAG should have gone up when part of the instructions said "COOK UNTIL THE SMOKE STARTS TO STOP". I am sure had I stopped at that point I would have heard SATAN STIFLING A LAUGH! (this must have amused him more than taking a soul)

After completely missing that stop sign I moved on. I carefully watched the smoke coming from this POSSESSED APPLIANCE so I would not overcook these delicious examples of my MALE PROWESS. (I felt like beating my chest). When I observed the AMBIGUIOS smoke starting to stop. (what the hell does that really mean anyway?) My mouth started to water, these were just going to be fantastic! As I opened the lid SATAN'S laughter really became annoying and John Pinette"s words came to me once again. OH NAY NAY ! Something went horribly wrong IGOR!

When the lid to this MONSTROUS CONTRAPTION was completely open I peered in and what I saw looked kind of like a waffle, but....not really. Let me tell you if we had a dog he would have run screaming "you're not feeding that to me". I can't really describe what it looked like, although there were two crisp mangled and separated halves with nothing in the middle. WTH!

Well, not to be defeated I decided to try again. After all it was my first time using the DEVIL'S MACHINE and I probably just got the cooking time wrong. After putting the next batch in with the same result, I was starting to question my manhood. Can't you even make a simple waffle, I asked myself! Now I was determined!! I put more DEVIL'S POWDER in the POSSESSED APPLIANCE and again I waited for the "smoke starting to stop" before opening the lid. Guess what! Again I had some deformed things that resembled waffles after a NUCLEAR ATTACK.

Don't go away there is more! After making eight of these FRANKENSTEIN WAFFLES, I decided I needed help, so...you guessed it I called my wife :( (the whimpering sound you heard was me stepping on my tail that was hanging between my legs.) After some discussion she determined I had not used the proper mix. It seems I had used the pancake formula and not the waffle formula. When the hell did you need to be a chemist to make waffles?????

Here we go again, I remixed the batter, cleaned the POSSESSED APPLIANCE started over AND GOT THE SAME DAMN RESULT!  AAAAARRRRGGGG!!!!!  Wait...I think I hear SATAN saying something about my soul for a decent WAFFLE

 In the end my wife decided on an alternate breakfast...(which she made) And with my manhood in tatters, I thought there is something to be said for FROZEN WAFFLES! 

AND I STILL HAVE A KITCHEN TO CLEAN!

I'M DONE

(but the waffles aren't)

THE "BUZZ" RANT 5-22-15

Some mornings it just sucks to be me. Oh, not because my life is bad, in fact I have many things to be thankful for, not the least least of which is my life.

No the sucks part comes from being a victim of the pranks my brain plays on me. Yea this walnut shaped gelatinous mass, sitting there atop my head encased in it's protective shell looking out over the world has been messing with me since the health scare last year. I guess it's pissed off from all the time it spent on drugs. So now this electrically charged ball of goo wants to play!

It all started with the demon dreams and the giant rodents..(Don't ask, that's for another rant!) Well lets move forward. Today I am sitting in my Dr's office minding my own business and bothering no one, when I feel a buzzing on my hip. Well I guess it's my phone and since I am at the Dr's I'll return the call later. Well a few minutes go by and it happens again. WTH! People know not to call me during appointments! Once again I decide to ignore it.

I guess the person who is calling must really want to talk to me because it happens again, buzz, buzz, buzz like an angry honey grubbing bee against my hip. So now I am frustrated and annoyed at whoever this persistent mongrel is. Soooooo.

I grab at my hip angrily for the phone, and lo and behold it's gone! WHAT, where is my phone????

You're going to love this...wait for it...I had the freakin' phone in my hand  the whole time playing Solitaire! Guess what my first question to the Dr was??

Boy, Is my brain in trouble!!! You know I think I can hear it laughing, that's not a good thing is it?

I'M DONE!!

REVENGE OF THE BODY WASH RANT 3-31-15

I am re-posting this body wash Rant or as I like to call it "Revenge of the Body Wash" so I may warn you. They say "revenge is a dish best served cold" I totally disagree as I was taking a hot shower when this SNEAKY, UNPROVOKED ATTACK took place. I was showering (try to avoid the visual) and washing my hair (well, what is left of my hair) when I heard a horrible thud and felt unbearable pain in my toes. What the hell could this be!!! What was happening, are we under nuclear attack??? I was wet, perplexed and blind, (damn soap). Somehow in all the confusion I managed to bravely remove the soap from my eyes. When I looked down there was the culprit, it's little squeezey top looking up and mocking me as if to say, "yea I did it, what's ya gonna do about it?" Yes I am talking about the INSIDIOUS BODY WASH!!!

That 16oz. MONSTEROUS green bottle stared up at me defiantly. Daring me to take action! As I reached for it, the pain in my toe overwhelmed me, and I thought I could hear a faint laugh. Well I decided to fix that demon in a plastic jug, I picked it up and put under the sink with chemicals that are a lot tougher than it's GENTLE SCENTED SELF...and you know, as I walked away from the cabinet, I could swear I heard a faint HELP. :)

So beware and be careful because you never know who or what is lying in wait for REVENGE. Attached below is the original rant

                                                            I'M DONE!


Well today I am returning to the root purpose of this "Rant" blog. My last two political Rant's met with spirited discussion on both sides of the ball. You must be close to center when you can inspire both sides to comment. There were some excellent points made, and I respect all the comments. With that said let's move on.:)

I am sure that "SOAP VS BODY WASH" is not a question everyone ponders in the morning, but after my experience, maybe we should.

I have come to the conclusion that "BODY WASH" is a "DIABOLIC" product invented just to piss us off! Follow me on THIS journey, I promise to keep it "CLEAN" (I know, but I couldn't resist)

I woke up on Sunday preparing to take my usual shower and keep my universe in sync, when I suddenly realized I was out of soap! Now, I have been using bars of soap since my earliest memories, I don't think I can remember a time when I was out of soap. (This is due to an amazing stocking job by my wife!) Today however, there is no soap to be found! Since I am partial to only two brands of the "LITTLE RECTANGULAR BARS OF CLEANER" I sensed a crisis arising!

I proceeded downstairs to see if my wife could direct me to some "EMERGENCY STASH" of the product, but NAY-NAY (to use John Pinnett's phraseology) there was none to be found. My wife then made the "EVIL" suggestion that I use "BODY WASH". That is when the fun began!

Now guys, if you are not familiar with "BODY WASH" pay close attention, you are about to be educated! My wife began to show me various bottles of these "POTIONS" that vary in consistency and fragrance (women's of course) from "COCONUT" to COCOA BUTTER! My vision was that of projecting the fragrance of a member of the opposite sex all day! I was not looking forward to this.

I then found out my son uses "BODY WASH" (fragranced for men, naturally.) and his isn't cheap! Over $3.00 a bottle! WHAT THE HELL! I know that the soap I use is not over $3.00 a bar! Oh I forgot, my son's is also a SHAMPOO! I don't know about you, but I find "MULTI-PURPOSE" products very dubious.  I am also now wondering how much we spend on "BODY WASH.. hhhmmm

Well finally I find one of these "ALIEN MIXTURES" I can live with, and head to the shower. Well little did I know that finding some was just the beginning! My first problem was with coordination. Now, when you are using soap, as long as you hold the bar of "SOAP" you have a uninterrupted supply of cleaner :) Simple concept huh? As long as you do not drop it, your showering experience flows smoothly! NOT WITH BODY WASH! First you need to squeeze this "MIXTURE" that has the  consistency of  JOHN CARPENTER'S "THE BLOB" from the bottle. This needs to happen continuously, as there is never enough in your hands. Now I don't know about you, but I don't need to be pounding and squeezing a bottle like it was ketchup, so I can get clean! Then this "GOO" never  lathers up!!  I found it extremely labor intensive. Sorry, I don't get in the shower to work. It reminded me of those little bars of soap you get at a hotel THAT NEVER SEEM TO LATHER!

Finally, after what seemed like working an 8 hour day I was finished, or so I thought. Here is the really "DIABOLICALLY DEADLY" part. All the lather you didn't think you were getting while showering, had silently, and invisibly, accumulated on the bottom of the tub! When I went to get out of the shower I slid from back to front like TOM CRUISE on the wood floor in "RISKY BUSINESS", but trust me, it did not look as graceful or as smooth :) After righting myself I did manage to escape with nothing broken but my dignity.


So here is my advice. If you are like me and have a "HARMONIOUS" morning routine and are used to bars of "SOAP", then run out and buy as much of your "FAVORITE PERSONAL CLEANER" as your bank account and storage capacity will permit. Buy it as though the world as you know it was coming to end tomorrow. Do anything to avoid using the "COLD WAR LAB" invention called "BODY WASH"!

However, If you want a "FEAR FACTOR", and "RISKY BUSINESS" experience in your tub or shower...Then there is a product just daring you to use it..yes, once again, "BODY WASH"! :O

DAMN BODY WASH!

I'M DONE!

THE EVIL ENTITY RANT 3-11-15

Here's Today's Rant: This one covers the "Evil Entity" along with it's equally "Equally Evil" cohorts that inhabit my house. Although this time-sucking, stress causing master of mayhem has it's tentacles throughout the house, It seems to have taken up residence in my home office, where it and it's cohorts can thwart my every move. I was thinking of calling an exorcist, but decided throwing it out the window would be a more satisfying act! If you haven't guessed it yet, I am talking about my computer and it's related minions, the printer, the scanner and to not leave out the most insidious sidekick, the router. They have truly turned what was supposed to be a relaxing morning into a demon filled trip through hell. I decided to be merciful and not destroy these puppets, but to go after the puppet master itself instead. Yes, that's right COMCAST INTERNET....GGGRR

I'M DONE!