"ANOTHER MUTANT ALIEN MUSHROOM" RANT FOR 9-24-15

Good Morning Puny Earthlings, (It will become apparent why I uses that term)

In 2011 I RANTED about a disturbing obscene "PLANT" that appeared on my lawn. This ALIEN MONSTROSITY  had been obviously sent here to spy on us, and chose it's form to match how we describe each other. It left as mysteriously as it appeared. I believe it must have gathered the necessary information. Below is my SURVEILLANCE photo

Well, a new threat has appeared. This one looks more like a MUSHROOM, but I'm not buying it.  This is either the 2nd wave of an ALIEN INVASION or...It's part of a SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT designed to turn us all in MUSH MINDED ZOMBIES! Oh sorry, the GOVERNMENT has already done that. It LANDED almost in the same spot as the 2011 INCIDENT....Hmmm curious.

What does this solitary CREATURE want, what is it's DEVILISH purpose. Is it here to enslave our race, one MUSHROOM BURGER at a time? Will it top our STEAKS and INFILTRATE our SAUCES and GRAVIES, and (chills) HOW WOULD WE KNOW? The plot is too HORRIFYING to think about. As I watch I think I see MOVEMENT. I am right. IT'S OPENING!
I am frozen what should I do?? Do I call the EPA, the POLICE or...wait, I think I just saw a BLACK SUV with a RADAR disc on the top, and was that a guy in a HAZMAT SUIT??

         My bad, just a chef looking for TOPPINGS. The hat confused me. Well, time to MOW, but I would be cautious the next time you buy FRESH MUSHROOMS at the store


                                                                        I'M DONE!

"THE PSYCHOTIC GERBIL" RANT FOR 9-15-2015

Good Morning All, (I think)

I am a little wary this morning. I was watching one of those Paranormal shows last night (to my chagrin, alone) and naturally that led to dark night of nightmares. My INSIDIOUS BRAIN decided to give the DEMONS some exercise. Starting with a period earlier in my life when my little DEVILS ANGELS were younger. In their ANGELIC DEMONIC  way they decided to show their love by giving me a present. (AWWHH) I can't remember what the occasion was, (I probably blocked it out due to the trauma.)

The present, an innocuous cuddly looking creature called a GERBIL. A cute little thing with white fur and brown spots and a TWITCHING NOSE common to the RODENT species. How thoughtful, I mused.

Well it wasn't long before I found that this PSYCHOTIC CREATURE was a DENIZEN FROM THE UNDERWORLD, misguidedly REINCARNATED in the body of this THOUGHTFUL PRESENT. (I know they planned this.)

I should have known something was wrong when the first thing the INSANE CREATURE did was LUNGE at the glass of it's home when it saw me, and further RED FLAGS should have GONE UP when this MENTALLY DISTURBED FUR BALL thought my finger was dinner when I tried to feed it. But being the DENSE parent I was, I was just touched that my kids had bought me a PRESENT.
I didn't realize at the time it was a CONSPIRATORIAL PLOT to get me. (time to start looking over my shoulder).

As the days went on it became a jousting match to try and feed this FAUSTIAN PET while keeping my FINGERS INTACT. It became clear to me that my children had helped this POSSESSED RAT escape from a pet MENTAL WARD or CONJURED it up at a SATANIC RITUAL.

Now, I would NEVER ADVOCATE HARMING ANY CREATURE, but as my FINGERS were becoming DOTTED with BITE MARKS, I must admit, I started to plot... After all could this SPAWN OF THE DEPTHS have RABIES????

I became a CRAZED MAN running WHAT IF scenarios through my head, all the while aware the BLOOD THIRSTY DEMON watched me, obviously  PLANNING IT'S ESCAPE. But, how could I explain to my children who had so THOUGHTFULLY given me a present, if the SOULLESS CREATURE suddenly disappeared? Maybe I could say it went to VISIT FAMILY..hhmmm

Well, the solution was soon at hand. I awoke one morning DREADING the feeding ORDEAL, only to find the MANIACAL CREATURE motionless, legs POINTED STIFFLY towards the ceiling...

And for a moment..Oh HELL NO, I didn't feel bad at all, the NASTY RAT was gone! And the best part, I didn't have to DO IT! (I think it was suicide). Let's Party.

                                                                      I'M DONE!
                                                                     (and so is he)

MORON TOP 10 LIST RANT FOR 9-9-15

Good Morning Humans,

What a beautiful inspiring morning! (ok, I'm over it :)

Today's MAGNIFICENT INSIGHT is a MORON TOP 10 LIST. This list is in no particular order (you may have one of your own) but it is amusing none the less. I am sure some of you may identify with it, but your secret is safe with me..Well, maybe. I am going to do it in reverse order in true LETTERMAN fashion. Are you ready?? Are you sure?? Ok, read'em and weep.

YOU MAY BE A MORON IF...

10. If you believe TRICKLE DOWN economics stimulates the economy..(the term "trickle down" is telling.)

09. If you think CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE..(do you think Pet Rocks                            are sentient beings?) 

08. If you believe POLITICAL CORRECTNESS promotes solidarity...(I think I found a buyer for my swampland.)

07. If you believe everything you read on the INTERNET...(Snow White was real)

06. If you believe VOTER FRAUD is or was RAMPANT...(do you all have your ID???)

05. If you believe CLIMATE CHANGE is a fairy tale...(the 7 dwarfs are your neighbors)

04. If you believe the ACA is socialism....(be suspicious the poison apple may be in your fruit bowl)

03. If you believe BEARING ARMS is a "GOD GIVEN" right...(please show me the bible passage or better yet, the constitutional amendment that GOD signed.)

02. If you think DENALI means black power..( Let's try "The High One")

01. If you believe a 3 TIMES MARRIED County Clerk in Kentucky really believes in the sanctity of marriage.... (Can you say "Seperation of Church and State", ooohh there is that pesky constitution again.)

Ok sheeple let me see if I can clarify what I'm saying here. These are all "OPINIONS" and more disturbing, "BELIEFS" that I see posted on SOCIAL MEDIA. It is once again concerning that we forward, repost and spout things that we see without verifying. ARE WE ALL REALLY THIS STUPID?? Are our brains so addled by the influx of information that we follow every RIDICULOUS COMMENT and OPINION as though it were an edict from above?

When did we stop thinking for ourselves, or is it just easier to let someone else do the thinking for us..and..

Oh wait, Sorry I need to respond to this text. Talk to you later...

I'M DONE!

ANIMAL ROYALTY????? RANT FOR 9-8-2015

Well, good morning all :). I am sure you just couldn't wait for my latest installment. (Hey, wake up.) I am sure I will get some finger wagging and SCOWLS over this Rant.

So let me pose this question? When did we bestow ROYAL LINEAGE on, and begin WORSHIPING our pets?? (Yes I said PETS!) I saw a news segment today highlighting PET (there's that word again) FASHION. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Look, please don't misunderstand me, I love animals, but I am not ready to elevate them to the status reserved for my human children, which required CONCEIVING and BIRTHING.(although there have been times I thought of demoting my children.) I have an issue with PUTTING A KNIT SWEATER on my dog. (If I currently had one) I'm sure that my last dog (a very muscular and virile looking animal) would have rather frozen and wished for poseable  thumbs in an effort to END HIMSELF, rather that be seen in a knitted sweater. Add to this the HUMAN EQUAL cost of healthcare and GOURMET food and they are more expensive than raising a child.

What has caused us to lose our senses regarding these MANIPULATIVE, FUR BARING, FOUR LEGGED, SLOBBERING, FURNITURE DESTROYING creatures? I became aware of a report, (which confirmed what I already knew) that cats don't really form an attachment to their owners. BIG SURPRISE! These ALOOF and CONCEITED creatures, which appear to have no redeeming value other than to catch mice, seem to do nothing but look at us in DISDAIN and use our furniture as SCRATCHING POSTS! Some would argue that they give us love. Well, REALITY CHECK, dogs obviously do, (bless there little hearts for earning their keep.) but cats, NOT SO MUCH! We spend thousands of dollars on FANCY BEDS, coming home with the latest FANCY TOYS and even take them to PET SPA'S to keep these  REINCARNATIONS of the PHARAOHS OF EGYPT stress free, all the while telling our children we can't afford it WHEN THEY MAKE A REQUEST...tsk,tsk

I SMH when I see 24 hour news coverage and MASS PROTESTS of a lion being killed (which was shameless)  and MINIMAL coverage of human tragedy. .

It amuses me when PET PARENTS (what a term) FAWN OVER and PROUDLY DISCUSS their PET CHILD'S (giggle) perceived accomplishments, while gently brushing their fur. It sometimes takes me awhile to realize they are discussing a PET. (yes I said it again). I sometimes wonder where it all will end. There is something inherently wrong when we spend more time, money and affection on our pets than on people. After all they are just ANIMALS! Deserving of proper care and affection, but not WORSHIP.

Disclaimer; No animals were harmed or eaten while writing this Rant....BURP, Sorry

Well, got to run, I don't think my goldfish flushed completely.



                                                            I'M DONE

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