THE "DEVIL'S MACHINE" RANT 5-25-15

Well first let me say Happy Memorial Day! I hope everyone took a moment to remember all of of the veterans that have served and sacrificed as well as those who are currently serving our country in defense of our freedom.

Soooo, This morning I woke up and decided I was going to make breakfast for my amazing wife. After all she's been so great to me and, been especially caring and attentive over the last few weeks. (hhmm, maybe I should be concerned.)

Anyway, I would normally make her one of her favorites, Sausage gravy and biscuits (which are amazing), but this morning I decided to make her waffles, after all they are quick, easy and I get a chance to try out our new waffle maker. I mean how hard could it be. I'm a grown man and it's just making a little batter and throwing it in the machine. A piece of cake, so to speak. WELL as John Pinette used to say, OH NAY, NAY! I found that this waffle maker is the MACHINE FROM HELL and adjusting the batter mix from a pacake to a waffle mix is DEVIL'S POWDER.!!!

I proceeded to mix the DEVIL'S POWDER (although I didn't know it was that at the time!) and put it in SATAN'S APPLIANCE. I followed all the operating instructions to the letter, but I must admit a RED FLAG should have gone up when part of the instructions said "COOK UNTIL THE SMOKE STARTS TO STOP". I am sure had I stopped at that point I would have heard SATAN STIFLING A LAUGH! (this must have amused him more than taking a soul)

After completely missing that stop sign I moved on. I carefully watched the smoke coming from this POSSESSED APPLIANCE so I would not overcook these delicious examples of my MALE PROWESS. (I felt like beating my chest). When I observed the AMBIGUIOS smoke starting to stop. (what the hell does that really mean anyway?) My mouth started to water, these were just going to be fantastic! As I opened the lid SATAN'S laughter really became annoying and John Pinette"s words came to me once again. OH NAY NAY ! Something went horribly wrong IGOR!

When the lid to this MONSTROUS CONTRAPTION was completely open I peered in and what I saw looked kind of like a waffle, but....not really. Let me tell you if we had a dog he would have run screaming "you're not feeding that to me". I can't really describe what it looked like, although there were two crisp mangled and separated halves with nothing in the middle. WTH!

Well, not to be defeated I decided to try again. After all it was my first time using the DEVIL'S MACHINE and I probably just got the cooking time wrong. After putting the next batch in with the same result, I was starting to question my manhood. Can't you even make a simple waffle, I asked myself! Now I was determined!! I put more DEVIL'S POWDER in the POSSESSED APPLIANCE and again I waited for the "smoke starting to stop" before opening the lid. Guess what! Again I had some deformed things that resembled waffles after a NUCLEAR ATTACK.

Don't go away there is more! After making eight of these FRANKENSTEIN WAFFLES, I decided I needed help, so...you guessed it I called my wife :( (the whimpering sound you heard was me stepping on my tail that was hanging between my legs.) After some discussion she determined I had not used the proper mix. It seems I had used the pancake formula and not the waffle formula. When the hell did you need to be a chemist to make waffles?????

Here we go again, I remixed the batter, cleaned the POSSESSED APPLIANCE started over AND GOT THE SAME DAMN RESULT!  AAAAARRRRGGGG!!!!!  Wait...I think I hear SATAN saying something about my soul for a decent WAFFLE

 In the end my wife decided on an alternate breakfast...(which she made) And with my manhood in tatters, I thought there is something to be said for FROZEN WAFFLES! 

AND I STILL HAVE A KITCHEN TO CLEAN!

I'M DONE

(but the waffles aren't)

THE "BUZZ" RANT 5-22-15

Some mornings it just sucks to be me. Oh, not because my life is bad, in fact I have many things to be thankful for, not the least least of which is my life.

No the sucks part comes from being a victim of the pranks my brain plays on me. Yea this walnut shaped gelatinous mass, sitting there atop my head encased in it's protective shell looking out over the world has been messing with me since the health scare last year. I guess it's pissed off from all the time it spent on drugs. So now this electrically charged ball of goo wants to play!

It all started with the demon dreams and the giant rodents..(Don't ask, that's for another rant!) Well lets move forward. Today I am sitting in my Dr's office minding my own business and bothering no one, when I feel a buzzing on my hip. Well I guess it's my phone and since I am at the Dr's I'll return the call later. Well a few minutes go by and it happens again. WTH! People know not to call me during appointments! Once again I decide to ignore it.

I guess the person who is calling must really want to talk to me because it happens again, buzz, buzz, buzz like an angry honey grubbing bee against my hip. So now I am frustrated and annoyed at whoever this persistent mongrel is. Soooooo.

I grab at my hip angrily for the phone, and lo and behold it's gone! WHAT, where is my phone????

You're going to love this...wait for it...I had the freakin' phone in my hand  the whole time playing Solitaire! Guess what my first question to the Dr was??

Boy, Is my brain in trouble!!! You know I think I can hear it laughing, that's not a good thing is it?

I'M DONE!!