Last October I turned 60 and all through my life the people around me have lamented that I don't look my age and they hope they look this good when they are my age. What a hell of an ego boost to have, but BE-FREAKIN-WARE!
Well as I said, I turned 60 last October, and apparently that is when my warranty expired. (thought this was going to be about a different subject, didn't ya? ;-) ) my back, which has been annoying me for years, (due to a very physical job, resulting in surgery in 1993) decided to step up it's game, making mobility increasingly difficult. Unfortunately, after losing my job of 20+ years, it made passing physicals difficult, but it was after finding a job and tending to my own business, when the FURRY F@##^$ GREMLINS really started. Just like any well oiled machine, (stop snickering) I noticed little things. I had a finger that constantly locked, headaches that came out of nowhere. and all I wanted to do was sleep!
The clincher was when like a damn NUCLEAR EXPLOSION in my body, I came home not feeling well one night and that was all she wrote! I had extreme joint pain all over my body, and just like the suspension of a car collapsing, I went down. By the weekend I had many other symptoms develop, but the worse was abdominal pain that was excruciating. What the hell was going on!!! I'm a fairly healthy guy, I don't drink or smoke. (well not for many years anyway ;-) and I don't live a overall unhealthy lifestyle. WELL THESE FLEA INFESTED GREMLINS HAD DECIDED TO PARTY AND TO USE MY BODY AS AN AFTER HOURS CLUB. By Sunday my wife had left on a business trip, and I assured her I'd be fine. HOW FREAKING WRONG THAT STATEMENT WAS!!!. By Sunday afternoon I had developed some creepy purple rash, reminiscent of a horror movie. I couldn't move or eat, and everything hurt, especially my abdomen. IT APPEARED MY UNWELCOME FURRY GUESTS HAD A HANGOVER! This was not going to be good!
After trying all day to convince myself that if just kept still I'd be fine, I finally gave up and asked my father in-law to take me to the hospital. Boy, was my wife unhappy and upset, ( I am gad she wasn't there to smack me) not to mention my son trying to figure out where I was. WOULD HE STARVE? I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE COULD FEED HIMSELF. After a few hours in the hospital it became obvious I was not going home. By the time they admitted me, they had given me four bags of fluid and some enormously effective pain medication. ( Hell, I didn't care if the GREMLINS partied for a week!) I was wary however when they couldn't tell me what was wrong.
To make a long story at least a little shorter (Don't you wish!) I spent 4 days in the hospital, was given 12 bags of fluid and more shots of the ENORMOUSLY EFFECTIVE pain medication than I can remember (I think they turned the GREMLINS in to druggies to keep them quiet :) and they only thing they could tell me was that I possibly had a blood infection. I also gave enough blood on a daily basis to stock DRACULA'S PANTRY. After leaving the hospital I spent the next 6 weeks(?) mostly in bed, and started to feel sorry for myself. The future to me didn't look good. The FURRY LITTLE BASTARDS were quieter, but they were winning. All this while we are racking up major maintenance costs. After all, the WARRANTY had expired.
Slowly over the next few months I began to improve, although I have liver damage. I had lost 30 pounds (Which improved my blood pressure) and the symptoms improved. We are however, struggling with the cause and with treatment. I finally decided enough was enough..TIME TO EVICT THE GREMLINS!
I must have seen 5 doctors in the last few months, and we are still discussing long term treatment that won't do further damage to my liver. I did start to work out and get physical therapy to restore my strength and improve my back. (Being sedentary just gave the GREMLINS a place to rest.) I also found a job that fits my ROCK STAR STATUS. (You know I'm kidding right? ) And I found out today that my finger locking up was due to tendon damage and will take about a 15 minute procedure to correct! (This has hurt and been a problem since January, but I'm a man and can take it. HOW STUPID! )
Overall this has been an enlightening experience, and also one that shows how much my family cares. But if I ever consider hunting again, it's going to be for F!@#$% GREMLINS!
Oh Yea, the next time you want to tell someone they look good for their age, CHECK THEIR DAMN X-RAYS FIRST!!!. I would also advise them to get an extended warranty.
I'M DONE, WELL NOT QUITE YET.
