I am sure that all of you had at one time a small ant problem...A few little annoying GREASE EATERS, that appear after a party, where Uncle Aloysius and Aunt Gertrude spilled ice tea and crab dip. You may also find them on the wrappers that the grandkids threw behind the couch to avoid being caught sneaking candy. SIGH. But I ramble, let's get back on track.
For the last few years we've had what I consider a slight ant problem, although my wife may disagree. Having a house that borders a large open area, I felt that some minor insect problems were to be expected. (Although I have learned that the "FIELD ANTS" are not the source of our problem.)
Well this year the LITTLE ANNOYING NOMADS have taken their INTRUSION to a whole new level! This little SCURRYING ARMY now resembles the people of Israel being banished from Egypt. Could the terrible TERMITE ARMY be in HOT PURSUIT??? Go little guys go, be free!
Then I remembered this is my kitchen! The invasion began as most do, with a show of massive numbers. At first there were the UNOBTRUSIVE SCOUTS, darting across counters and cabinets with their little antenna moving back and forth mapping the route and hunting for food. (Hey, I think they just carried off the can opener!)Then came the WORKERS, marching their way across the kitchen floor, their job to hunt and gather the food and materials the army would need. (After all an army marches on it's stomach) And all of them being led by the EVIL INSIDIOUS UNSEEN QUEEN. Before long, they were everywhere, mapping their territory and setting their perimeter. It did not take long to establish TRADE ROUTES, The main route resembling a DESERT CARAVAN, stretched from the patio door to the kitchen island. An EMPIRE which was as impressive as the ROMANS began to emerge. It soon became clear we were OUTNUMBERED and soon to be OVERWHELMED! I must admit some panic set in and I started SPRAYING everything we had at them, WINDEX, 409, and some things I didn't even recognize. Hell, I even SPRINKLED CINNAMON! (Which helped, by the way.)
Finally, my senses returned, and the panic subsided. I realized I needed MERCENARIES. I needed PROFESSIONALS who could match these invaders in FEROCITY and CUNNING, so the search began... and so did the dissertations of the pest control companies! This was like a SECOND INVASION.
After listening to numerous companies making their pitch, which frankly resembled a general mapping a battle plan, they started explaining where ants come from, (Their mommies I would have guessed, wouldn't you?) what they eat, the psychology of what drives them, etc, etc, etc, I became a little distracted. Hell, I don't want to date them, I could care less about their mating habits, eating habits, or travel plans! I JUST WANT THEM OBLITERATED!
Well this morning at 7:40 am, (Time agreed upon was 8-10, I hate rushing to put my pants on) help arrived. When I answered the door there he was, the MERCENARY of my choice, decked out in FULL BATTLE GEAR, Like a scene from GHOSTBUSTERS! He started to explain the battle plan and the psychology, but I was having none of it. Blah, blah, blah, just get to it man! SEEK and DESTROY! CONQUER THE EMPIRE, CAPTURE THE QUEEN, We need to be done before WHEELER DEALERS comes on Velocity!
Well, it took about an hour for this BATTLE HARDENED VETERAN to complete his MISSION and we won't know how effective his PLAN was for a few days, but for now I feel back in control of my castle. Now I can relax, but can you ???? Hhhmmm
WAIT, DAMN WAS THAT AN ANT ON MY NECK!!
I'M DONE
