"EVOLUTION OF MAN" Rant For 1-09-12

Well, this is my first RANT of the New Year! I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday. ours was fine, but as always I am my own worst enemy, but that's a different rant. :)

Recently, I observed what I consider a shining example of how far human intelligence has taken us. I had stopped at one of my favorite convenience stores to fill up my truck, and get coffee. This is where I must have entered an alternate universe, or the twilight zone where nothing is as it seems.

I pulled to the gas pump and filled my tank and then proceeded inside to pay for the fuel, and also to get coffee. Upon leaving the store I observed a shining example of why we should "THIN THE HERD"!

Now we all know, have been taught, or at least are vaguely aware of the potential dangers of smoking, or speaking on a cell phone while fueling! I am going to give one better....hang on it's coming! Don't be so impatient.

As I said, upon leaving the store I observed a prime example of why some animals "EAT THEIR YOUNG"!  Directly across from me is what I can only describe as a "PRIMORDIAL THROWBACK" LEANING AGAINST THE GAS PUMP, WHILE SMOKING A CIGARETTE, AND TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE! now here is the good part! HIS ENGINE WAS RUNNING WHILE HE WAS PUMPING THE GAS!!!

Now don't get me wrong, I have my "BILL ENGVALL" moments, and should be given a sign.(If you don't know who Bill Engvall is Google is wonderful.)  I also know some of us take a chance on cold mornings and leave our engines running while fueling, but honestly, temperatures here in Maryland have rarely been below 50 this fall and winter. Even if they were, how many of you would stand there, smoke, talk on your phone, and leave you engine running while gassing up??? If you raised your hand, please proceed to the nearest forest and put antlers on during deer season!

 I began contemplating the odds of making it to my truck, (which was two pumps down) and getting out of there before the "IMPENDING FIREBALL" destroyed the whole damn block. I also had the urge to "SMACK THIS GUY IN THE HEAD"and "TAKE HIS PICTURE", but I didn't want to waste valuable escape time. I did feel a little bad while walking to my truck, because I didn't shout to the other people at the pumps, but they did seem to be moving a little faster than normal :)

What was really worrying me was the thought that this "HUMAN SEEDLING" had possibly bred! I also thought; If his home stove pilot light goes out, "DOES HE CHECK IT WITH A MATCH"?However, I really didn't think of it long, because I noticed I was "PEELING RUBBER" as I left the gas station, with an unusual amount of cars on my bumper.

I think I've made a good case for "THINNING THE HERD" and why this guy should be "FOOD FOR OTHER SPECIES"

I'M DONE!

"SOAP VS BODY WASH" RANT 12-19-11

Well today I am returning to the root purpose of this "Rant" blog. My last two political Rant's met with spirited discussion on both sides of the ball. You must be close to center when you can inspire both sides to comment. There were some excellent points made, and I respect all the comments. With that said let's move on.:)

I am sure that "SOAP VS BODY WASH" is not a question everyone ponders in the morning, but after my experience, maybe we should.

I have come to the conclusion that "BODY WASH" is a "DIABOLIC" product invented just to piss us off! Follow me on THIS journey, I promise to keep it "CLEAN" (I know, but I couldn't resist)

I woke up on Sunday preparing to take my usual shower and keep my universe in sync, when I suddenly realized I was out of soap! Now, I have been using bars of soap since my earliest memories, I don't think I can remember a time when I was out of soap. (This is due to an amazing stocking job by my wife!) Today however, there is no soap to be found! Since I am partial to only two brands of the "LITTLE RECTANGULAR BARS OF CLEANER" I sensed a crisis arising!

I proceeded downstairs to see if my wife could direct me to some "EMERGENCY STASH" of the product, but NAY-NAY (to use John Pinnett's phraseology) there was none to be found. My wife then made the "EVIL" suggestion that I use "BODY WASH". That is when the fun began!

Now guys, if you are not familiar with "BODY WASH" pay close attention, you are about to be educated! My wife began to show me various bottles of these "POTIONS" that vary in consistency and fragrance (women's of course) from "COCONUT" to COCOA BUTTER! My vision was that of projecting the fragrance of a member of the opposite sex all day! I was not looking forward to this.

I then found out my son uses "BODY WASH" (fragranced for men, natuarally.) and his isn't cheap! Over $3.00 a bottle! WHAT THE HELL! I know that the soap I use is not over $3.00 a bar! Oh I forgot, my son's is also a SHAMPOO! I don't know about you, but I find "MULTI-PURPOSE" products very dubious.  I am also now wondering how much we spend on "BODY WASH.. hhhmmm

Well finally I find one of these "ALIEN MIXTURES" I can live with, and head to the shower. Well little did I know that finding some was just the begining! My first problem was with coordination. Now, when you are using soap, as long as you hold the bar of "SOAP" you have a uninterrupted supply of cleaner :) Simple concept huh? As long as you do not drop it, your showering experience flows smoothly! NOT WITH BODY WASH! First you need to squeeze this "MIXTURE" that has the  consistency of  JOHN CARPENER'S "THE BLOB" from the bottle. This needs to happen continuously, as there is never enough in your hands. Now I don't know about you, but I don't need to be pounding and squeezing a bottle like it was ketchup, so I can get clean! Then this "GOO" never  lathers up!!  I found it extremely labor intensive. Sorry, I don't get in the shower to work. It reminded me of those little bars of soap you get at a hotel THAT NEVER SEEM TO LATHER!

Finally, after what seemed like working an 8 hour day I was finished, or so I thought. Here is the really "DIABOLICALLY DEADLY" part. All the lather you didn't think you were getting while showering, had silently, and invisibly, accumulated on the bottom of the tub! When I went to get out of the shower I slid from back to front like TOM CRUISE on the wood floor in "RISKY BUSINESS", but trust me, it did not look as graceful or as smooth :) After righting myself I did manage to escape with nothing broken but my dignity.


So here is my advice. If you are like me and have a "HARMONIOUS" morning routine and are used to bars of "SOAP", then run out and buy as much of your "FAVORITE PERSONAL CLEANER" as your bank account and storage capacity will permit. Buy it as though the world as you know it was coming to end tomorrow. Do anything to avoid using the "COLD WAR LAB" invention called "BODY WASH"!

However, If you want a "FEAR FACTOR", and "RISKY BUSINESS" experience in your tub or shower...Then there is a product just daring you to use it..yes, once again, "BODY WASH"! :O

DAMN BODY WASH!

I'M DONE!

"DEJA-VU RANT 12-15-11

I can't belive it's the middle of December and we still have temps in the 50's! It's Great! OK, I'll move on.

I've been thinking about the adage, "The more things change, the more they remain the same" this has proven true many times recently, but one event has brought it home. The recent PEPPER SPRAYING of peacefully protesting students at the University of California-Davis Campus.

This incident, and many similar like it across the country, remind me of my teenage years in the 60's. (Yes, I am that old, no comments please) especially the killing's of students at Kent State (A University in Ohio) by National Guardsman.

This incident has served to remind me that not much has changed. We have still not learned to teach, or evaluate properly some of  the "OATMEAL-BRAINED", "EGO-CENTRIC", "KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS" we give guns or badges to. THESE "EVOLUTIONARY DEAD-ENDERS" give the excellent law enforcement officers a bad name. Their lack of common sense and their inability to assess a situation properly is amazing! Where were they trained at" COP-WANNABEE'S" on line?  Add to that the instructions by the "FIFEDOM'S QUEEN", sorry I mean college chancellor, to remove the students, and you have an impending disaster reminicent of the 60's

What I also find disturbing are the "CAVE-DWELLERS", and TREE-HANGERS" that laughed this off and told the students, and other "OCCUPIERS" to get a job! Do you "VACUUM BRAINS" understand that our students are the future of our country, as those of the 60's were and are? Also, If the "OCCUPIERS"were able to get jobs in their chosen fields, there would be no reason to protest. Maybe if they "OUTSOURCE" your "MOONSHINE" operation and steal money from your bank accounts you'll understand!

Here's another point CHUCKLES. If their rights are violated today, then yours could be tomorrow! Chew that with your tobacco!

What I also find curious, is that during the "MILLION MAN" march and "TEA-BAGGER"  (Opps, I mean Tea Party) protests there were no arrests, but yet they "PEPPER SPRAY" peacefully protesting students, while wearing "RIOT GEAR".  Megyn Kelly on FOX News said that it may have been "MORALLY"  wrong, but she didn't think it was illegal. REALLY!!!

As I said before, the more things change the more they remain the same. Today it's them, tomorrow it may be you...but wait it already is, whose money was used to bail-out corporate america after they caused the largest financial collapse in history? (for which NO ONE went to jail) And, whose jobs have been outsourced for the good of corporate profits and greed? In case you need a reminder YOUR'S!

 Do you really think this is just about students and occupiers? REALLY! While we may not agree with the protestor's views, we should at least respect their right to peacefully protest. After all, it's our right too.

I'M DONE!

"INTO THE BREACH ONCE MORE" RANT FOR 12-14-11

Good Day All,

Once again personal has taken priority over the blog, but hey, here I am.

I once again am going to touch the "HOT STOVE" we call politics. As many of you are, I am not a fan of the lack of promised progress this administration touted. I am not ashamed to admit I voted for Mr. Obama, I am just disappointed. However, where congress is concerned I am just &^%$#@! angry! These polictical versions of "SUCKER FISH" have made the problem a 1000% worse with their constant partisan bickering.

I have recently been looking at the right to see if there was a crumb to grab on to, but wouldn't you know it! These "PARASTICAL BACTERIA" continue to to talk out of their "REARS" and to insult our intelligence. This party that tout's tax breaks and fiscal conservatism, has once again shown that only applies if you are wealthy or part of corporate america. The snake has once again reared it's ugly head with a forked tongue!

After threatening to "SHUT DOWN" the government over the issue of expiring tax cut's for the rich. They have "ABRUPTLY" switched sides where "MIDDLE WORKING AMERICA" is concerned. They won't approve extending tax breaks for working america unless they get what they want, a MASSIVE oil pipeline project. Don't misunderstand me, I am not wholly against the pipeline, I am against holding the people who pay the bills in this country HOSTAGE, so corporate america can make profits. If Obama wants to make points he needs to grow some balls and literally tell these "MEDUSA" like congressmen to STICK IT!

Our government continues to ignore not only our own protests, but protests from around the world! People have had it! Start doing what is right for the country, not the "BOTTOM FEEDING LOBBYIST'S"

I'M DONE!

A "RANT" VARIETY 10-22-11

Thought I went away didn't you? Not a chance :) Seriously, many events over the last couple of months have caused my blog to take a back seat. You know I will never run out of material.

Well today I have decided to do a few mini-rants to try and catch up. So let's begin!

Item #1- Moron's Are Everywhere
How many times have you driven down the highway or street and seen a dog or even a child with their head out the window trying to get air or catch rain? Normal sight isn't it? Well, how many times have you seen the driver of the car with his head out the window, trying to catch rain? If you think it's a normal occurence, GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD, NOW!

While driving down the street last month, I saw a driver with his head out the window, holding out his tongue, trying to catch the rain. Now I don't know, maybe "Rain Catcher" didn't have water at home or, was trying to occupy himself while the car drove itself, either way this human "Stuffed Animal", for our own safety, should not be behind the wheel. Or, maybe he should let the dog drive.

Item #2- Are You Kidding Me??
I have been stewing over this one for awhile. You may have heard of this on the news, but for those that haven't. Let's move to wonderful California and "Cinco De Mayo" yes that great American holiday! Sorry, I get confused sometimes as to what side of the border we are on. let's move on.

A high school in  the state of California in Mexico, (sorry, got confused again) forced American high school students to remove their shirts displaying the American Flag, on "Cinco De Mayo" saying it was "inflammatory", but Mexican students could proudly display the Mexican flag!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT! When did displaying the American Flag, by American's in the United States of America become "INFLAMMATORY"!!? Where and when we display our flag has been under constant attack! Recently, a retired 9/11 rescue worker was displaying his flag to honor 9/11 and Veterans when he was forced to remove it by his "HOMEOWNER" Association and the courts as not fitting the "IMAGE" of his neighboorhood. When did these "NAZI" wannabe's get the power to dictate when we could fly our flags, and what "JELLO-BRAINED" judge would agree with them? While people from other cultures can display their "HOMELAND'S" flag with impunity, we are constantly being restricted.

We as American's need to send a message, that there are NO INSTANCES where an AMERICAN cannot display the american flag, in the UNITED STATES of AMERICA, as long as it is done in a respectful manner. We are Americans and we reserve the right to remind people that we are just as proud of our country as other's are. And once again, School administrator's "LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE" need to stop forcing their views down our children's throats in an attempt to not offend other's!

Item #3- Clown Congress
I don't know why I continue to hope our congress will wake up. Is anyone surprised that the "CLOWN COMMITTEE", (sorry, Super Committee) failed?? Again, our congress has demonstrated that they do not have the best interest of the American people at heart. Once again, they have wasted time and taxpayer money only to fail to reach an agreement, natuarally blaming each other for the "IMPASSE". Blame OBAMA all you want, but no president, REPUBLICAN, DEMOCRAT, FEDERALIST, or WHIG, has been able to accomplish anything without congress. The "greed" of our corporations, the "entitlement mentality" of our population, coupled with the "disconnect" and "lack of understanding" by our government, are all creating a perfect storm of disaster for our country and our future. OUR CURRENT CONGRESS NEEDS TO BE VOTED OUT NOW! It's not going to get any better until we clean house.

Item #4- No Butt's
OK, this is serious, but it still made me laugh. (how insensitve I am). A news story this morning highlighted a shadow industry, that provides "illegal injections" to adult dancers to enhance their "BUTTS". Yes, their "BUTTS". One dancer became seriously ill when the silicone used by an "unlicensed" provider, migrated to her lungs. Sad.

This is the one that made me laugh, a "provider" injected a woman's "BUTT" with a mixture of "CEMENT" and wait for it..."FIX-A-FLAT". Yes, you read correctly, "FIX-A-FLAT" :)  (I am sorry, it still makes me laugh)

What "BRAIN EATING CHEMICALS" are you ingesting, to decide, hey, I can make money by injecting women's "BUTTS" with "CEMENT and FIX-A-FLAT"

Sad "BUTT" True..Sorry, couldn't resist :)

I'M DONE!

"ENOUGH ALREADY" RANT FOR 10-17-11

 Hey, maybe I am becoming hyper-sensitive, but WHAT THE HELL is with all the "PERSONAL HYGIENE" ads on TV!

Does anybody beside me remember when these ultra personal issues were dealt with on late night commercials?

Really, do we want to hear about some adult wearing a "FREAKIN DIAPER" at dinner time or in a restaurant? it makes you look around and wonder, " MAYBE IT'S HER! Not to mention the meal is now ruined. And, how about the new "KY" jelly ads, They use "EXPLOSIVE" references to simulate the results of this product, and now it's in his and her's special flavors !! Are you kidding? I really don't want to know what anybody is "SPREADING ON THEMSELVES" it could be peanut butter for all I care! How would you like to do that laundry?

Another one is the CATHETER ads. Isn't it nice to know how compact they have become? Shouldn't they be advertised with the DAMN DIAPERS?? Let's add the items to handle, dare I say it? GAS! Yes friends I want to hear about BEANO BEFORE BREAKFAST!!!! Have I gotten to any of you yet :)

Let's move on to the "CONSTIPATION" PRODUCTS! After that meal of  three cheese taco's and other assorted "BINDERY FOODS" how do you get regular again! OMG whatever will you do! C'mon you know this answer "METAMUCIL" see that wasn't so hard.

Continuing on, let's discuss "TROJANS"! Yes folks those little jackets that were originally meant for "BIRTH CONTROL" have now become a "FASHION ACCESSORY". Yes believe it, with their "RIBS, MULTI- COLORS" and other advancements they have become the thing to carry. Hey, they even have ones that"GLOW IN THE DARK!..Hell the last time I glowed in the dark I...sorry, I lost myself. Shouldn't this be up with the "KY" jelly?

But my favorite is still the "FEMININE HYGIENE" products. Hell, these things spawn "SUPER WOMAN"! With their wings, compactness, absorbition capacity, and other "FEATURES" I understand why companies want to tout their products!

Hey, I understand the need for the products, but let's face it, we know when and where we need them! I don't want to be inundated with products that remind me of the noises, secretions, and failings of the human body every minute of the day! I still beileve there are appropriate times for these ads

Let's be honest, when I pass a woman on the street, I don't want to be wondering if what she's wearing is a DIAPER OR PAD...That's OVER SATURATION! hhhhmmmm

The question is, the next time you pass someone on the street will you be wondering if...or will it be YOU! :)

                                                   
                                                                         I'M DONE!(Aren't you glad?)

"OUTSOURCING SUGGESTION" RANT FOR 10-06-11

After carefully considering the outsourcing dilemma our country continues to grapple with, I must admit there is at least one "COST SUCKING" industry we could outsource..."OUR COUNTRY CLUB PRISON SYSTEM"!

I've come to this realization after listening to the details of yet another "CONVICTED MINDLESS BUFFOON", filing a lawsuit! (Hmmm..maybe not mindless, what else does he have to do!) This "DEATH ROW COCKAROACH" , who claims to be a muslim, is suing because his meals are not prepared according to muslim law! BOO-HOO! Do I really need to use the language? Did you give your victim a choice?

This is just another in a long list of ridiculous lawsuits filed by the "HUMAN SEWAGE" in our prison system. From the one that sued because he didn't get chocolate chip cookies, to the one that sued because he was too fat to execute. YOU REALLY CAN'T MAKE THIS UP!!! It's amazing what these "COWARDS" will do to save their "PARASITIC LIVES"

I think we should consider outsourcing bids from Asia, Indonesia, and of course North Africa and the Middle East. Since this latest example of "WASTED SPERM" claims to be muslim, let's send him there, where an "EYE FOR AN EYE" is actually a penalty,  for his punishment!


Seriously, let's consider the costs of running our HOTELS, oopps sorry, our PRISONS. Lets start with the basics;

1. Cable TV
2. Weight Room (Yes, a faster, stronger criminal is a great idea!)
3. Special Meals
4. Free Medical Care
5. Free Education
6. Libraries (Now we have a faster, stronger criminal that can file lawsuits!)
7. The ability to sue
8. Cell Phones (Makes sense, you still have to run your empire)
9. Free room and board.
10. And..we pay them when they work! What a deal.

There are many more points I could add. but I guess you get the idea. My suggestion is again, outsourcing.

Imagine a being a criminal convicted of murder, living in a cell with a hundred other murderers, sleeping wherever you could find a spot. The only meals you get are what they decide to give you, and if you don't eat it you starve. The only clothes you have are the ones on your back, and don't even think about cable TV.

Exercise? Only if you run faster than the bigger inmate chasing you. Lawsuits? Only the ones brought by your family when you disappear. Appeals, that's you begging for your life before they hack you, hang you, shoot you, or whatever other diabolical way they can think of to execute you. Most likely the same way you murdered your victim.

Think of all the money we would save! In addition to the ones I mentioned, you no longer have the costs of endless appeals, and the attorney fees associated with them (sorry attorney's we don't need all of you anyway). The room and board savings alone would put most states back in the black!

Our only cost would be the cost of shipping, and I suggest the cattle shipping method..Maybe we could get a FEDEX rate for that!

Really, Why do these examples of a "FAILED CIA EXPERIMENT" have more than just the basic human rights, of a dry place to sleep and basic nutrition? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Judges need to have a "STUPID STAMP" so that when one of these lawsuits crosses their desk, they can stamp it "STUPID" and move on. They should also charge the filing attorney for the court costs of the "STUPID SUIT"!  

You know..that would probably work for many lawsuits in our society..hhhmmm. Hey look, they're waiting for you!

       
                                                              I'M DONE!