THE "DEVIL'S MACHINE" RANT 5-25-15

Well first let me say Happy Memorial Day! I hope everyone took a moment to remember all of of the veterans that have served and sacrificed as well as those who are currently serving our country in defense of our freedom.

Soooo, This morning I woke up and decided I was going to make breakfast for my amazing wife. After all she's been so great to me and, been especially caring and attentive over the last few weeks. (hhmm, maybe I should be concerned.)

Anyway, I would normally make her one of her favorites, Sausage gravy and biscuits (which are amazing), but this morning I decided to make her waffles, after all they are quick, easy and I get a chance to try out our new waffle maker. I mean how hard could it be. I'm a grown man and it's just making a little batter and throwing it in the machine. A piece of cake, so to speak. WELL as John Pinette used to say, OH NAY, NAY! I found that this waffle maker is the MACHINE FROM HELL and adjusting the batter mix from a pacake to a waffle mix is DEVIL'S POWDER.!!!

I proceeded to mix the DEVIL'S POWDER (although I didn't know it was that at the time!) and put it in SATAN'S APPLIANCE. I followed all the operating instructions to the letter, but I must admit a RED FLAG should have gone up when part of the instructions said "COOK UNTIL THE SMOKE STARTS TO STOP". I am sure had I stopped at that point I would have heard SATAN STIFLING A LAUGH! (this must have amused him more than taking a soul)

After completely missing that stop sign I moved on. I carefully watched the smoke coming from this POSSESSED APPLIANCE so I would not overcook these delicious examples of my MALE PROWESS. (I felt like beating my chest). When I observed the AMBIGUIOS smoke starting to stop. (what the hell does that really mean anyway?) My mouth started to water, these were just going to be fantastic! As I opened the lid SATAN'S laughter really became annoying and John Pinette"s words came to me once again. OH NAY NAY ! Something went horribly wrong IGOR!

When the lid to this MONSTROUS CONTRAPTION was completely open I peered in and what I saw looked kind of like a waffle, but....not really. Let me tell you if we had a dog he would have run screaming "you're not feeding that to me". I can't really describe what it looked like, although there were two crisp mangled and separated halves with nothing in the middle. WTH!

Well, not to be defeated I decided to try again. After all it was my first time using the DEVIL'S MACHINE and I probably just got the cooking time wrong. After putting the next batch in with the same result, I was starting to question my manhood. Can't you even make a simple waffle, I asked myself! Now I was determined!! I put more DEVIL'S POWDER in the POSSESSED APPLIANCE and again I waited for the "smoke starting to stop" before opening the lid. Guess what! Again I had some deformed things that resembled waffles after a NUCLEAR ATTACK.

Don't go away there is more! After making eight of these FRANKENSTEIN WAFFLES, I decided I needed help, so...you guessed it I called my wife :( (the whimpering sound you heard was me stepping on my tail that was hanging between my legs.) After some discussion she determined I had not used the proper mix. It seems I had used the pancake formula and not the waffle formula. When the hell did you need to be a chemist to make waffles?????

Here we go again, I remixed the batter, cleaned the POSSESSED APPLIANCE started over AND GOT THE SAME DAMN RESULT!  AAAAARRRRGGGG!!!!!  Wait...I think I hear SATAN saying something about my soul for a decent WAFFLE

 In the end my wife decided on an alternate breakfast...(which she made) And with my manhood in tatters, I thought there is something to be said for FROZEN WAFFLES! 

AND I STILL HAVE A KITCHEN TO CLEAN!

I'M DONE

(but the waffles aren't)

THE "BUZZ" RANT 5-22-15

Some mornings it just sucks to be me. Oh, not because my life is bad, in fact I have many things to be thankful for, not the least least of which is my life.

No the sucks part comes from being a victim of the pranks my brain plays on me. Yea this walnut shaped gelatinous mass, sitting there atop my head encased in it's protective shell looking out over the world has been messing with me since the health scare last year. I guess it's pissed off from all the time it spent on drugs. So now this electrically charged ball of goo wants to play!

It all started with the demon dreams and the giant rodents..(Don't ask, that's for another rant!) Well lets move forward. Today I am sitting in my Dr's office minding my own business and bothering no one, when I feel a buzzing on my hip. Well I guess it's my phone and since I am at the Dr's I'll return the call later. Well a few minutes go by and it happens again. WTH! People know not to call me during appointments! Once again I decide to ignore it.

I guess the person who is calling must really want to talk to me because it happens again, buzz, buzz, buzz like an angry honey grubbing bee against my hip. So now I am frustrated and annoyed at whoever this persistent mongrel is. Soooooo.

I grab at my hip angrily for the phone, and lo and behold it's gone! WHAT, where is my phone????

You're going to love this...wait for it...I had the freakin' phone in my hand  the whole time playing Solitaire! Guess what my first question to the Dr was??

Boy, Is my brain in trouble!!! You know I think I can hear it laughing, that's not a good thing is it?

I'M DONE!!

REVENGE OF THE BODY WASH RANT 3-31-15

I am re-posting this body wash Rant or as I like to call it "Revenge of the Body Wash" so I may warn you. They say "revenge is a dish best served cold" I totally disagree as I was taking a hot shower when this SNEAKY, UNPROVOKED ATTACK took place. I was showering (try to avoid the visual) and washing my hair (well, what is left of my hair) when I heard a horrible thud and felt unbearable pain in my toes. What the hell could this be!!! What was happening, are we under nuclear attack??? I was wet, perplexed and blind, (damn soap). Somehow in all the confusion I managed to bravely remove the soap from my eyes. When I looked down there was the culprit, it's little squeezey top looking up and mocking me as if to say, "yea I did it, what's ya gonna do about it?" Yes I am talking about the INSIDIOUS BODY WASH!!!

That 16oz. MONSTEROUS green bottle stared up at me defiantly. Daring me to take action! As I reached for it, the pain in my toe overwhelmed me, and I thought I could hear a faint laugh. Well I decided to fix that demon in a plastic jug, I picked it up and put under the sink with chemicals that are a lot tougher than it's GENTLE SCENTED SELF...and you know, as I walked away from the cabinet, I could swear I heard a faint HELP. :)

So beware and be careful because you never know who or what is lying in wait for REVENGE. Attached below is the original rant

                                                            I'M DONE!


Well today I am returning to the root purpose of this "Rant" blog. My last two political Rant's met with spirited discussion on both sides of the ball. You must be close to center when you can inspire both sides to comment. There were some excellent points made, and I respect all the comments. With that said let's move on.:)

I am sure that "SOAP VS BODY WASH" is not a question everyone ponders in the morning, but after my experience, maybe we should.

I have come to the conclusion that "BODY WASH" is a "DIABOLIC" product invented just to piss us off! Follow me on THIS journey, I promise to keep it "CLEAN" (I know, but I couldn't resist)

I woke up on Sunday preparing to take my usual shower and keep my universe in sync, when I suddenly realized I was out of soap! Now, I have been using bars of soap since my earliest memories, I don't think I can remember a time when I was out of soap. (This is due to an amazing stocking job by my wife!) Today however, there is no soap to be found! Since I am partial to only two brands of the "LITTLE RECTANGULAR BARS OF CLEANER" I sensed a crisis arising!

I proceeded downstairs to see if my wife could direct me to some "EMERGENCY STASH" of the product, but NAY-NAY (to use John Pinnett's phraseology) there was none to be found. My wife then made the "EVIL" suggestion that I use "BODY WASH". That is when the fun began!

Now guys, if you are not familiar with "BODY WASH" pay close attention, you are about to be educated! My wife began to show me various bottles of these "POTIONS" that vary in consistency and fragrance (women's of course) from "COCONUT" to COCOA BUTTER! My vision was that of projecting the fragrance of a member of the opposite sex all day! I was not looking forward to this.

I then found out my son uses "BODY WASH" (fragranced for men, naturally.) and his isn't cheap! Over $3.00 a bottle! WHAT THE HELL! I know that the soap I use is not over $3.00 a bar! Oh I forgot, my son's is also a SHAMPOO! I don't know about you, but I find "MULTI-PURPOSE" products very dubious.  I am also now wondering how much we spend on "BODY WASH.. hhhmmm

Well finally I find one of these "ALIEN MIXTURES" I can live with, and head to the shower. Well little did I know that finding some was just the beginning! My first problem was with coordination. Now, when you are using soap, as long as you hold the bar of "SOAP" you have a uninterrupted supply of cleaner :) Simple concept huh? As long as you do not drop it, your showering experience flows smoothly! NOT WITH BODY WASH! First you need to squeeze this "MIXTURE" that has the  consistency of  JOHN CARPENTER'S "THE BLOB" from the bottle. This needs to happen continuously, as there is never enough in your hands. Now I don't know about you, but I don't need to be pounding and squeezing a bottle like it was ketchup, so I can get clean! Then this "GOO" never  lathers up!!  I found it extremely labor intensive. Sorry, I don't get in the shower to work. It reminded me of those little bars of soap you get at a hotel THAT NEVER SEEM TO LATHER!

Finally, after what seemed like working an 8 hour day I was finished, or so I thought. Here is the really "DIABOLICALLY DEADLY" part. All the lather you didn't think you were getting while showering, had silently, and invisibly, accumulated on the bottom of the tub! When I went to get out of the shower I slid from back to front like TOM CRUISE on the wood floor in "RISKY BUSINESS", but trust me, it did not look as graceful or as smooth :) After righting myself I did manage to escape with nothing broken but my dignity.


So here is my advice. If you are like me and have a "HARMONIOUS" morning routine and are used to bars of "SOAP", then run out and buy as much of your "FAVORITE PERSONAL CLEANER" as your bank account and storage capacity will permit. Buy it as though the world as you know it was coming to end tomorrow. Do anything to avoid using the "COLD WAR LAB" invention called "BODY WASH"!

However, If you want a "FEAR FACTOR", and "RISKY BUSINESS" experience in your tub or shower...Then there is a product just daring you to use it..yes, once again, "BODY WASH"! :O

DAMN BODY WASH!

I'M DONE!

THE EVIL ENTITY RANT 3-11-15

Here's Today's Rant: This one covers the "Evil Entity" along with it's equally "Equally Evil" cohorts that inhabit my house. Although this time-sucking, stress causing master of mayhem has it's tentacles throughout the house, It seems to have taken up residence in my home office, where it and it's cohorts can thwart my every move. I was thinking of calling an exorcist, but decided throwing it out the window would be a more satisfying act! If you haven't guessed it yet, I am talking about my computer and it's related minions, the printer, the scanner and to not leave out the most insidious sidekick, the router. They have truly turned what was supposed to be a relaxing morning into a demon filled trip through hell. I decided to be merciful and not destroy these puppets, but to go after the puppet master itself instead. Yes, that's right COMCAST INTERNET....GGGRR

I'M DONE!

WARRANTY EXPIRATION AND INCREASED MAINTENANCE COST RANT

I have sooo many notes and so little time.

Last October I turned 60 and all through my life the people around me have lamented that I don't look my age and they hope they look this good when they are my age. What a hell of an ego boost to have, but BE-FREAKIN-WARE!

Well as I said, I turned 60 last October, and apparently that is when my warranty expired. (thought this was going to be about a different subject, didn't ya? ;-) ) my back, which has been annoying me for years, (due to a very physical job, resulting in surgery in 1993) decided to step up it's game, making mobility increasingly difficult. Unfortunately, after losing my job of 20+ years, it made  passing physicals difficult, but it was after finding a job and tending to my own business, when the FURRY F@##^$ GREMLINS really started. Just like any well oiled machine, (stop snickering) I noticed little things. I had a finger that constantly locked, headaches that came out of nowhere. and all I wanted to do was sleep!

The clincher was when like a damn NUCLEAR EXPLOSION in my body, I came home not feeling well one night and that was all she wrote! I had extreme joint pain all over my body, and just like the suspension of a car collapsing, I went down. By the weekend I had many other symptoms develop, but the worse was abdominal pain that was excruciating. What the hell was going on!!! I'm a fairly healthy guy, I don't drink or smoke. (well not for many years anyway ;-) and I don't live a overall unhealthy lifestyle. WELL THESE FLEA INFESTED GREMLINS HAD DECIDED TO PARTY AND TO USE MY BODY AS AN AFTER HOURS CLUB. By Sunday my wife had left on a business trip, and I assured her I'd be fine. HOW FREAKING WRONG THAT STATEMENT WAS!!!. By Sunday afternoon I had developed some creepy purple rash,  reminiscent of a horror movie. I couldn't move or eat, and everything hurt, especially my abdomen. IT APPEARED MY UNWELCOME FURRY GUESTS HAD A HANGOVER! This was not going to be good!

After trying all day to convince myself that if just kept still I'd be fine, I finally gave up and asked my father in-law to take me to the hospital. Boy, was my wife unhappy and upset, ( I am gad she wasn't there to smack me) not to mention my son trying to figure out where I was. WOULD HE STARVE? I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE COULD FEED HIMSELF. After a few hours in the hospital it became obvious I was not going home. By the time they admitted me, they had given me four bags of fluid and some enormously effective pain medication. ( Hell, I didn't care if the GREMLINS partied for a week!) I was wary however when they couldn't tell me what was wrong.

To make a long story at least a little shorter (Don't you wish!) I spent 4 days in the hospital, was given 12 bags of fluid and more shots of the ENORMOUSLY EFFECTIVE pain medication than I can remember (I think they turned the GREMLINS in to druggies to keep them quiet :) and they only thing they could tell me was that I possibly had a blood infection. I also gave enough blood on a daily basis to stock DRACULA'S PANTRY. After leaving the hospital I spent the next 6 weeks(?) mostly in bed, and started to feel sorry for myself. The future to me didn't look good. The FURRY LITTLE BASTARDS were quieter, but they were winning. All this while we are racking up major maintenance costs. After all, the WARRANTY had expired.

Slowly over the next few months I began to improve, although I have liver damage. I had lost 30 pounds (Which improved my blood pressure) and the symptoms improved. We are however, struggling with the cause and with treatment. I finally decided enough was enough..TIME TO EVICT THE GREMLINS!

I must have seen 5 doctors in the last few months, and we are still discussing long term treatment that won't do further damage to my liver. I did start to work out and get physical therapy to restore my strength and improve my back. (Being sedentary just gave the GREMLINS a place to rest.) I also found a job that fits my ROCK STAR STATUS. (You know I'm kidding right? ) And I found out today that my finger locking up was due to tendon damage and will take about a 15 minute procedure to correct! (This has hurt and been a problem since January, but I'm a man and can take it. HOW STUPID! )

Overall this has been an enlightening experience, and also one that shows how much my family cares. But if I ever consider hunting again, it's going to be for F!@#$% GREMLINS!

Oh Yea, the next time you want to tell someone they look good for their age, CHECK THEIR DAMN X-RAYS FIRST!!!. I would also advise them to get an extended warranty.

                                                Whoops! Wrong Gremlin! I Mean The Car :)

 

I'M DONE, WELL NOT QUITE YET.

WHY I DON'T LEAN RIGHT RANT

Good Morning,
So let's see how much indignation I can stockpile with this "Rant". I actually had to calm myself for a couple of days before writing this, to avoid sputtering and being more incoherent as usual.

Some have asked why with my moderate views why I don't agree more with the right, surprisingly, I am sometimes closer than even I thought, but then....

One of the newest GOP darlings has already let his big mouth swallow his brain, which should be difficult for a "Neurosurgeon". Dr. Ben Carson has once again proven that you can be intelligent and brilliant in your field, but still be "SOCIALLY IGNORANT"  (Just as many before him) In the last two months this self righteous throwback has made comments trying to ridicule the president at a prayer breakfast, (Which I feel is an inappropriate venue) equating the gay life style to pedophilia and bestiality, (For which he has since apologized) and his most recent comment labeling all "WHITE LIBERAL MALES" as racists! Talk about profiling!

As a "WHITE LIBERAL MALE" I find these comments OFENSIVE, BIGOTED, and IGNORANT! Labeling "WHITE LIBERAL MALES" as racists are on par with labeling all SOUTHERN MALES as KU KLUX KLAN members, or all BLACK MALES as LAZY!! In all fairness he may have been talking about white males in the "LIBERAL MEDIA" but I don't believe you can separate one from the other. Views are views.

In my eyes these insane ramblings  have now put DR. CARSON in the same vein (arguably) as the lunatics like Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin, Rand Paul, and who could not add Glen Beck (whose mental health has been questioned) and Rush Limbaugh.

I would love to know why the "EXTREME RIGHT" (note: extreme)continues to cultivate these Neanderthal views! I am tired of all the bashing and finger pointing. If you don't have  practical solutions that benefit the country as a whole...SHUT THE HELL UP! Apparently when you hit a certain level in life your "BRAIN CELLS GET SCRAMBLED" and you feel you matter more than the rest of us.

Here is a message for Dr. Crazy. I applaud and respect your talent and accomplishments in your field, but I mean no offense when I say if I need a doctor, please don't touch me. Not because your black, but because I am a "WHITE LIBERAL MALE" and with your views about my political leanings, I wouldn't want you to let the knife slip!

NOTE: There may be a positive here if it causes us to pause and examine and question our beliefs and views.

                                                      

                                                 
                                                                I'M DONE! (I hate this kind of Rant)

THE COST OF PRESCRIPTION RANT

This RANT actually hit me out of the blue last week when I was doing something very benign, getting rid of useless stuff. (My wife may disagree on the benign.)

As always I was trying to create space and get rid of things we no longer needed, and had the brainstorm to get rid of old medications. What a FREAKIN CHORE! I don't know how many of you have "DISPOSED" of old medications, but I am sure many of us should! IT WOULD OPEN YOUR EYES! While reducing your healthcare out of pocket expense.

Hell, what I thought was going to be a 10 min task took many hours of gathering, identifying, and then researching proper disposal methods. When all was said and done I had a FREEZER BAG FULL, of the oddest collection of  WHITE PILLS, TAN PILLS, PAIN PILLS, DOWNERS, ANTIBIOTICS and a lot of CRAP I didn't even recognize! Damn, if the police raided my house they would've thought I was a pusher! (Hhhmm,where are my sunglasses anyway?)

Now the interesting part. You would think, hey I'll just flush them down the toilet and be done. No Problem..WRONG! I started looking at this DRUG DEALERS DREAM of a FREEZER BAG, and started to feel guilty. What if 1,000,000. other people were doing the same thing, flushing drugs  in addition to the PUSHERS with the cops at the door, What affect would it have on our water supply???? Would we have fish with two heads?? How about gigantic turtles with teeth, or woodland creatures with 6 legs?? Would we get high or have a rush every time we drank tap water?? (Maybe not soo bad. Oopps, sorry, digressed to a younger age) The guilt was overwhelming!!! I had to do something to prevent this, but what?? I know I'll GOOGLE disposal methods. (What else would you do?)

While researching disposal methods I did find some interesting facts. You shouldn't FLUSH medications unless it specifically says so on the bottle. (Didn't know you were going to learn something did you?) When disposing of medication in the trash you should do as I did and put them in a large sealable bag so they don't leach out, and mix them with used coffee grounds, or egg shells to make them unappealing to animals or children. (I feel animals also applies to druggies going through your trash)

Well, after PREPARING the PACKAGE as directed I didn't feel quite so guilty of disposing of it, but I still felt guilty about all the wasted money that was spent on this POTPOURRI of medications. If I wasn't going to use the medication I shouldn't have filled the prescriptions. Hey, before you all start criticizing, I'll bet you all do the same thing, so just take a 2 year old pill and calm down:)


Are you sure you can't take a 2-5 year old medication? I just keep thinking about the money! Well maybe the fish too.

                                                I'M DONE (or going through withdrawl)