"ANOTHER MUTANT ALIEN MUSHROOM" RANT FOR 9-24-15

Good Morning Puny Earthlings, (It will become apparent why I uses that term)

In 2011 I RANTED about a disturbing obscene "PLANT" that appeared on my lawn. This ALIEN MONSTROSITY  had been obviously sent here to spy on us, and chose it's form to match how we describe each other. It left as mysteriously as it appeared. I believe it must have gathered the necessary information. Below is my SURVEILLANCE photo

Well, a new threat has appeared. This one looks more like a MUSHROOM, but I'm not buying it.  This is either the 2nd wave of an ALIEN INVASION or...It's part of a SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT designed to turn us all in MUSH MINDED ZOMBIES! Oh sorry, the GOVERNMENT has already done that. It LANDED almost in the same spot as the 2011 INCIDENT....Hmmm curious.

What does this solitary CREATURE want, what is it's DEVILISH purpose. Is it here to enslave our race, one MUSHROOM BURGER at a time? Will it top our STEAKS and INFILTRATE our SAUCES and GRAVIES, and (chills) HOW WOULD WE KNOW? The plot is too HORRIFYING to think about. As I watch I think I see MOVEMENT. I am right. IT'S OPENING!
I am frozen what should I do?? Do I call the EPA, the POLICE or...wait, I think I just saw a BLACK SUV with a RADAR disc on the top, and was that a guy in a HAZMAT SUIT??

         My bad, just a chef looking for TOPPINGS. The hat confused me. Well, time to MOW, but I would be cautious the next time you buy FRESH MUSHROOMS at the store


                                                                        I'M DONE!

"THE PSYCHOTIC GERBIL" RANT FOR 9-15-2015

Good Morning All, (I think)

I am a little wary this morning. I was watching one of those Paranormal shows last night (to my chagrin, alone) and naturally that led to dark night of nightmares. My INSIDIOUS BRAIN decided to give the DEMONS some exercise. Starting with a period earlier in my life when my little DEVILS ANGELS were younger. In their ANGELIC DEMONIC  way they decided to show their love by giving me a present. (AWWHH) I can't remember what the occasion was, (I probably blocked it out due to the trauma.)

The present, an innocuous cuddly looking creature called a GERBIL. A cute little thing with white fur and brown spots and a TWITCHING NOSE common to the RODENT species. How thoughtful, I mused.

Well it wasn't long before I found that this PSYCHOTIC CREATURE was a DENIZEN FROM THE UNDERWORLD, misguidedly REINCARNATED in the body of this THOUGHTFUL PRESENT. (I know they planned this.)

I should have known something was wrong when the first thing the INSANE CREATURE did was LUNGE at the glass of it's home when it saw me, and further RED FLAGS should have GONE UP when this MENTALLY DISTURBED FUR BALL thought my finger was dinner when I tried to feed it. But being the DENSE parent I was, I was just touched that my kids had bought me a PRESENT.
I didn't realize at the time it was a CONSPIRATORIAL PLOT to get me. (time to start looking over my shoulder).

As the days went on it became a jousting match to try and feed this FAUSTIAN PET while keeping my FINGERS INTACT. It became clear to me that my children had helped this POSSESSED RAT escape from a pet MENTAL WARD or CONJURED it up at a SATANIC RITUAL.

Now, I would NEVER ADVOCATE HARMING ANY CREATURE, but as my FINGERS were becoming DOTTED with BITE MARKS, I must admit, I started to plot... After all could this SPAWN OF THE DEPTHS have RABIES????

I became a CRAZED MAN running WHAT IF scenarios through my head, all the while aware the BLOOD THIRSTY DEMON watched me, obviously  PLANNING IT'S ESCAPE. But, how could I explain to my children who had so THOUGHTFULLY given me a present, if the SOULLESS CREATURE suddenly disappeared? Maybe I could say it went to VISIT FAMILY..hhmmm

Well, the solution was soon at hand. I awoke one morning DREADING the feeding ORDEAL, only to find the MANIACAL CREATURE motionless, legs POINTED STIFFLY towards the ceiling...

And for a moment..Oh HELL NO, I didn't feel bad at all, the NASTY RAT was gone! And the best part, I didn't have to DO IT! (I think it was suicide). Let's Party.

                                                                      I'M DONE!
                                                                     (and so is he)

MORON TOP 10 LIST RANT FOR 9-9-15

Good Morning Humans,

What a beautiful inspiring morning! (ok, I'm over it :)

Today's MAGNIFICENT INSIGHT is a MORON TOP 10 LIST. This list is in no particular order (you may have one of your own) but it is amusing none the less. I am sure some of you may identify with it, but your secret is safe with me..Well, maybe. I am going to do it in reverse order in true LETTERMAN fashion. Are you ready?? Are you sure?? Ok, read'em and weep.

YOU MAY BE A MORON IF...

10. If you believe TRICKLE DOWN economics stimulates the economy..(the term "trickle down" is telling.)

09. If you think CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE..(do you think Pet Rocks                            are sentient beings?) 

08. If you believe POLITICAL CORRECTNESS promotes solidarity...(I think I found a buyer for my swampland.)

07. If you believe everything you read on the INTERNET...(Snow White was real)

06. If you believe VOTER FRAUD is or was RAMPANT...(do you all have your ID???)

05. If you believe CLIMATE CHANGE is a fairy tale...(the 7 dwarfs are your neighbors)

04. If you believe the ACA is socialism....(be suspicious the poison apple may be in your fruit bowl)

03. If you believe BEARING ARMS is a "GOD GIVEN" right...(please show me the bible passage or better yet, the constitutional amendment that GOD signed.)

02. If you think DENALI means black power..( Let's try "The High One")

01. If you believe a 3 TIMES MARRIED County Clerk in Kentucky really believes in the sanctity of marriage.... (Can you say "Seperation of Church and State", ooohh there is that pesky constitution again.)

Ok sheeple let me see if I can clarify what I'm saying here. These are all "OPINIONS" and more disturbing, "BELIEFS" that I see posted on SOCIAL MEDIA. It is once again concerning that we forward, repost and spout things that we see without verifying. ARE WE ALL REALLY THIS STUPID?? Are our brains so addled by the influx of information that we follow every RIDICULOUS COMMENT and OPINION as though it were an edict from above?

When did we stop thinking for ourselves, or is it just easier to let someone else do the thinking for us..and..

Oh wait, Sorry I need to respond to this text. Talk to you later...

I'M DONE!

ANIMAL ROYALTY????? RANT FOR 9-8-2015

Well, good morning all :). I am sure you just couldn't wait for my latest installment. (Hey, wake up.) I am sure I will get some finger wagging and SCOWLS over this Rant.

So let me pose this question? When did we bestow ROYAL LINEAGE on, and begin WORSHIPING our pets?? (Yes I said PETS!) I saw a news segment today highlighting PET (there's that word again) FASHION. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Look, please don't misunderstand me, I love animals, but I am not ready to elevate them to the status reserved for my human children, which required CONCEIVING and BIRTHING.(although there have been times I thought of demoting my children.) I have an issue with PUTTING A KNIT SWEATER on my dog. (If I currently had one) I'm sure that my last dog (a very muscular and virile looking animal) would have rather frozen and wished for poseable  thumbs in an effort to END HIMSELF, rather that be seen in a knitted sweater. Add to this the HUMAN EQUAL cost of healthcare and GOURMET food and they are more expensive than raising a child.

What has caused us to lose our senses regarding these MANIPULATIVE, FUR BARING, FOUR LEGGED, SLOBBERING, FURNITURE DESTROYING creatures? I became aware of a report, (which confirmed what I already knew) that cats don't really form an attachment to their owners. BIG SURPRISE! These ALOOF and CONCEITED creatures, which appear to have no redeeming value other than to catch mice, seem to do nothing but look at us in DISDAIN and use our furniture as SCRATCHING POSTS! Some would argue that they give us love. Well, REALITY CHECK, dogs obviously do, (bless there little hearts for earning their keep.) but cats, NOT SO MUCH! We spend thousands of dollars on FANCY BEDS, coming home with the latest FANCY TOYS and even take them to PET SPA'S to keep these  REINCARNATIONS of the PHARAOHS OF EGYPT stress free, all the while telling our children we can't afford it WHEN THEY MAKE A REQUEST...tsk,tsk

I SMH when I see 24 hour news coverage and MASS PROTESTS of a lion being killed (which was shameless)  and MINIMAL coverage of human tragedy. .

It amuses me when PET PARENTS (what a term) FAWN OVER and PROUDLY DISCUSS their PET CHILD'S (giggle) perceived accomplishments, while gently brushing their fur. It sometimes takes me awhile to realize they are discussing a PET. (yes I said it again). I sometimes wonder where it all will end. There is something inherently wrong when we spend more time, money and affection on our pets than on people. After all they are just ANIMALS! Deserving of proper care and affection, but not WORSHIP.

Disclaimer; No animals were harmed or eaten while writing this Rant....BURP, Sorry

Well, got to run, I don't think my goldfish flushed completely.



                                                            I'M DONE

.

What the HELL is a BRONY?? Rant for 8-13-15

Hell, I don't even know how to start this Rant. It's going to be difficult to type between chills. This subject really creeps me out! I've thought about this for days before deciding on this Rant.

BRONIES!!!!  What is a Brony you may ask, well, let me tell you. According to the URBAN DICTIONARY and WIKIPEDIA, a BRONY IS; "A name typically given to the MALE VIEWERS/FANS of the my LITTLE PONY franchise. These supposed MALE (I have significant doubts) do not give in to the hype that MALES aren't allowed to enjoy things that are intended for females." I would agree with the premise in some instances, but not this one.

Can you get more creepy than this. Scientists need to check their lab, because their EXPERIMENT IS MISSING AND MULTIPLYING! The more disturbing part is that they have conventions for these (chuckle) FANS. Oh it gets better. These GENETIC MISFITS even dress as their favorite MY LITTLE PONY! REALLY! OK, maybe I am overreacting, but I have this vision of these failed GENETIC EXPERIMENTS sitting in a playroom with some little girl, playing with a LITTLE PONY set. (SHUDDER) If it wasn't so creepy I would laugh.

Can you imagine the conversation at the office, Hey JOE want to go for a drink? Sorry Ray, I promised my daughter we would dress as my LITTLE PONIES and run around the playroom. Better yet, how about attending CAREER DAY at your daughters school dressed as a LITTLE PONY character? (YOUR FAVORITE, OF COURSE). 

For some reason I just can't wrap my LITTLE GRAY CELLS around this. Look guys, if you are 30 YEARS OLD and are DRESSING AS A MY LITTLE PONY character, then you have issues. You are even CREEPIER than the FURRIES!  (that's a whole other Rant)

I know my OLD GUY PERSONA is showing, but this makes me look over my shoulder. I mean do these guys masturbate to PONY PORN??

I really don't care if you are a fan of the show, but you must admit becoming a CREEPIER version of the CHARACTER makes  everyone uncomfortable. If you want to be treated NORMALLY, stop making sure that everyone knows your BRONY at all times. 

You really can't make this stuff up. Oh, by the way, I have a MY LITTLE PONIES Corral for sale. Interested? AND stop getting HOOF PRINTS on my carpet, Geezz

                                                                           I'M DONE!

OFFENDED ??? RANT 7-21-15

GOOD MORNING SHEEP!

If you are reading this you are either Too Fat, Too Skinny, Too Tall, To Short, Too Pretty, Too Ugly, A Crazy Christian, A Damn Jew, A Suspicious Looking Muslim, or a Snake Charming Evangelist, possibly even a Bible Hating Atheist! Or maybe you are an Ultra Right Wing Crazy, or a Country Hating Liberal. You may be an Old Hippie, a Confederate Flag Raising Redneck, or even a Blood Sucking Carpetbagger. Hell you may be a God's Law Breaking Gay or EVEN WORSE, a (dare I say it) Transgender! Well if I haven't offended you yet it's only because I don't have time to list all the outrageous categories. And I won't even get into race.

In case you haven't gotten the theme of this, it's the ridiculousness of POLITICAL ASS KISSING! (You notice I don't call it "CORRECTNESS", because it isn't) I am so tired of everyday hearing about some other STUPID ITEM that offends someone. I mean REALLY, do you believe that taking down the CONFEDERATE FLAG will stop RACISM??? (Are those fairies flying around your pudding brain?) RACISM will only end when we teach our children from the day of birth that it's wrong.( Just my addle brained opinion)

Let me tell you the latest item that inspired this RANT! You are going to love this! (but if you agree with it, check to see if you can see through your skin.) A major retailer is offering a WOMEN'S T-SHIRT with a LOGO that just says "TROPHY", THAT'S IT!! That's the extent of it. These TRANSPARENT SKINNED, LOW SELF-ESTEEMED WHINERS believe it is sexist! At first I thought this was a joke, but when I realized it was seriously being presented by the MEDIA, I WAS OFFENDED! These NOSE IN OUR BUSINESS SOCIAL SCRUBS need to mind their own business. STOP PUSHING YOUR INSANE AGENDA'S on us. You either NEED TO STOP SUCKING YOUR THUMBS AND GROW UP, or crawl back into your UNDERGROUND BURROWS! This is why our kids are growing up as a BUNCH of SELF ENTITLED COMPLAINERS (This is a general statement and obviously doesn't apply to our fantastic off-spring)

When I researched this, I found that these shirts have been offered for BOTH SEXES by many retailers for years! Hell if my wife gave me a t-shirt that say's TROPHY HUSBAND I would wear it proudly.I believe that most of the people complaining are probably TROPHY FRUSTRATED and jealous. (Again, just my opinion, but as usual it's right. Just ask me. )

I could go one about this, but I believe the more we cave into this, the worse it becomes. The more we point out differences the more of an issue we make of them. IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO STOP THE INSANITY! If something offends you, CHANGE THE CHANNEL, CLOSE THE DOOR, GET OFF FACEBOOK and OH YEA, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Oh, one more thing, YOUR HAIR COLOR REALLY OFFENDS ME! Just sayin....

(Was this a Rant or an Editorial? Hhmm)

I'M DONE

"EXODUS OF THE ANTS" 6-03-2015

Good Morning All, Oh wait, I have to brush some ants of my monitor....Ok that's better.

I am sure that all of you had at one time a small ant problem...A few little annoying GREASE EATERS, that appear after a party, where Uncle Aloysius and Aunt Gertrude spilled ice tea and crab dip. You may also find them on the wrappers that the grandkids threw behind the couch to avoid being caught sneaking candy. SIGH. But I ramble, let's get back on track.

For the last few years we've had what I consider a slight ant problem, although my wife may disagree. Having a house that borders a large open area, I felt that some minor insect problems were to be expected. (Although I have learned that the "FIELD ANTS" are not the source of our problem.)

Well this year the LITTLE ANNOYING NOMADS have taken their INTRUSION to a whole new level! This little SCURRYING ARMY now resembles the people of Israel being banished from Egypt. Could the terrible TERMITE ARMY be in HOT PURSUIT??? Go little guys go, be free!

Then I remembered this is my kitchen!  The invasion began as most do, with a show of massive numbers. At first there were the UNOBTRUSIVE SCOUTS, darting across counters and cabinets with their little antenna moving back and forth mapping the route and hunting for food. (Hey, I think they just carried off the can opener!)Then came the WORKERS, marching their way across the kitchen floor, their job to hunt and gather the food and materials the army would need. (After all an army marches on it's stomach) And all of them being led by the EVIL INSIDIOUS UNSEEN QUEEN. Before long, they were everywhere, mapping their territory and setting their perimeter. It did not take long to establish TRADE ROUTES, The main route resembling a DESERT CARAVAN, stretched from the patio door to the kitchen island. An EMPIRE which was as impressive as the ROMANS began to emerge. It soon became clear we were OUTNUMBERED and soon to be OVERWHELMED! I must admit some panic set in and I started SPRAYING everything we had at them, WINDEX, 409, and some things I didn't even recognize. Hell, I even SPRINKLED CINNAMON! (Which helped, by the way.)

Finally, my senses returned, and the panic subsided. I realized I needed MERCENARIES. I needed  PROFESSIONALS who could match these invaders in FEROCITY and CUNNING, so the search began... and so did the dissertations of the pest control companies! This was like a SECOND INVASION.

After listening to numerous companies making their pitch, which frankly resembled a general mapping a battle plan, they started explaining where ants come from, (Their mommies I would have guessed, wouldn't you?) what they eat, the psychology of what drives them, etc, etc, etc, I became a little distracted. Hell, I don't want to date them, I could care less about their mating habits, eating habits, or travel plans! I JUST WANT THEM OBLITERATED!

Well this morning at 7:40 am, (Time agreed upon was 8-10, I hate rushing to put my pants on) help arrived. When I answered the door there he was, the MERCENARY of my choice, decked out in FULL BATTLE GEAR, Like a scene from GHOSTBUSTERS! He started to explain the battle plan and the psychology, but I was having none of it. Blah, blah, blah, just get to it man! SEEK and DESTROY! CONQUER THE EMPIRE, CAPTURE THE QUEEN, We need to be done before WHEELER DEALERS comes on Velocity!

Well, it took about an hour for this BATTLE HARDENED VETERAN to complete his MISSION and we won't know how effective his PLAN was for a few days, but for now I feel back in control of my castle. Now I can relax, but can you ???? Hhhmmm

 WAIT,  DAMN WAS THAT AN ANT ON MY NECK!!

I'M DONE